My Dearest Fassia,
One thing I never got to talk to you about was how to be a step-parent. You got that opportunity- and I didn’t appreciate it at the time. Nor did I appreciate your new wife’s responsibilities. Damn. I found a perfect article tonight about being a step-mom. Pretty much = it is hard. It sucks. Sometimes I doubt myself as a good human being with being a mom. BUT ALL THE TIME I doubt myself as a good human being with being a step-mom. #1- you don’t know what you are signing up for. #2- you always question if you made the right choice. #3- you constantly give all of yourself for pretty much nothing in return. #4- you feel like you are constantly fighting with your spouse’s ex on absolutely ridiculous things. There is obviously a reason they are an ex- but for some reason it sticks with you that they have something special together- kids!
I suppose sometimes I am way more cranky than I need to be. I always try to check myself. But I struggle. I can’t. This evening we had my step-kids over for dinner. Rather- they came over because we had money for the older one and that was the only way Dad was giving it to her. She barely said 10 words all night. She gathered her leftover belongings from our house- and didn’t say thank you. Lady- I worked TWO jobs to make sure we could help you and give you money. And no thanks. Maybe I expect too much.
The way you and mom raised us makes me who I am today. I wonder if it was so different from everybody else. We did chores. We said thank you. We had fun. We played games. We got punished. We loved. We had rules. Pretty fair looking back. So when kids come into your life with a different raising… it is sooooo hard! Was that what it was like for you? I know I didn’t get along great with my step-mom. But I tried to remember that at the beginning to create a better relationship- but it blew up in my face. Hardcore. I try not to place blame though- I know I have a lot of shortcomings when it comes to this role I play in my life. I just hope that one day it will get better. One day they will understand, or try to understand, where I come from and who I am.
Now that I have my own daughter- I get where their mom is coming from more. BUT I still think I’d handle things differently. I get the protection and love no matter what. But I also want her to be loved by everybody and whomever. I want her to have friends and good role models- no matter who they may be. If they are good for her soul and maturity and life- then heck yes let them in. If they can offer her something to better herself- yes OK. If they help her be a contributor and not a diminisher- hell yes. I know damn well that I cannot give my daughter everything she needs. But I can help be a channel to those things. I don’t have to be an obstacle in the way.
So as I hit here and try to refocus my energy- I wish, as always, that I could have done better. I could have been the grown up. I could have been the role model and tried. I didn’t do awful this time- much better than I have in the past. But I didn’t do awesome.
I signed up for this- I may not have know what I was signing up for- but I still did it. And I’m not going to give up- or let it ruin my life – or my relationship with my husband. I’m going to let it help me grow.
So here is to being a better person next time. Here is to remembering they are kids and impressionable. Here is to remembering that my daughter is looking up to me always. Here is to messy life and not being perfect. Here is to you and the things you did that I didn’t even know. Thank you from me and my siblings and my step-siblings. Cheers to the credit you deserved back then and didn’t get.
I love you.
With all the love that I possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 