My Dearest Fassia,
Today was a rough day- emotionally. But a good day too. I had such an honest conversation with my sister and it was so refreshing. I love that I can say anything to that girl and it doesn’t phase her. OR she is feeling the same. And sometimes “worse” than me. That part was good. The bad part was later in the day when I got into a confrontation at work. Not really a confrontation- it was one sided. It was a provider- which made it even worse because you expect the best out of them. But I guess we all have bad days. After the confrontation I cried. Nice huh. Professional huh. Well nobody but a friend new I cried- because I was doing the dishes at work. It was my turn. haha… funny how life continues no matter what. Literally no matter what.
So this confrontation- it all got resolved with a couple of apologies both ways I was writing an email at the same time that person texted. So all is good.
The conversation with my sister still sits a little heavy in my heart. One because I can’t be there for her- physically- we live too far apart. Two because it is heavy stuff we discussed. It should be discussed more- but it isn’t. Or maybe it is in secret worlds that not everybody is privy to. Main point of the discussion- how hard it is being a new mom or a mom in general.
There is so much that you can’t prepare for being a new mom. How are you going to handle it? How are you going to feel when you are with your child or away from your child. It isn’t my place to discuss my sister. BUT I am going to tell you a bit about myself.
I had my daughter… I loved being pregnant. Like loved it loved it. Loved the feelings and pains and growth and attention and amazement and reason for being fat! Then I ended up having a C-section when I wasn’t really expecting it. That was hard. I know it isn’t anything less- but I didn’t get to experience labor at all. And I feel like I missed out on something special. I’m sure that those who have been through it would say I am lucky- but I still feel sad. Then my baby was kept in the nursery for a few hours after birth due to low oxygen. And I didn’t fight to see her… I just accepted what they told me. I feel guilty about that. Then I got post partum depression and went back to work early- couldn’t last the full 12 weeks at home. That made me feel guilty too. THEN when people told me taking my daughter to daycare and leaving her would be the hardest thing I’ve ever done… I lied when it wasn’t. Goodness gracious- leaving her there was so satisfying. I felt OK knowing I was going to work- and she was learning social skills. But even though I felt at peace- I still lied- because I felt pressured that society was expecting something different out of me.
They were expecting me to feel sad and miss my child. I didn’t. I still don’t. Don’t get me wrong- I think about her sometimes. But I know she is having fun, in good hands, and hanging out with her friends. And I know my mental health is better when I get my alone time. Telling people that I don’t mind daycare still gets me weird looks. But I am trying to own it more. I shouldn’t care so much about what people think… but that is what society leads you to. Caring.
So now that my daughter is 2 and a half. I’m finally starting to figure out how to express my feelings appropriately. It is OK that I want to work. And OK that my daughter goes to daycare. And OK that I’m OK being away from her. I think we are better together when we have time apart.
That still devastates a part of me… but here I am expressing myself to the world. Well potentially the world… it is a start. Counts for something! Until next time.
With all the love that I possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 