My Dearest Fassia,
Hi! It has been awhile since I wrote to you… Falling into bad habits again! Actually, it just seems that life gets in the way a lot. So much has happened since I last wrote.
First, we got Ilsa Maria back! Crazy weird story and just solidifies that sometimes life is a huge circle. On the same day I adopted her, 8 years later, a random woman calls me saying she has my cat. After a long night of texts and calls, I learned: she really had my cat, some people are terrible because they lie and how they treat animals, and I was getting reunited with an old love! Ilsa came back to us about 1.5 weeks ago- she is tiny! Looks more like a 6 month old kitten instead of an 8 year old cat. She’s doing good though- adjusting to a loving home just nicely! My other cat and dog are doing fine too… it is great. I love it- she is so adoring.
Second, I started my MSN program. This is week 1. So far so good- just taking it in stride. I know that school is tough- and I know that it takes a lot to get through. A lot of work, a lot of organization, and a lot of support. I’m trying to start off strong- strong in school and strong at home still. I want to prove to my husband that I can do it all. (Maybe I can’t- but I want to try). It is funny to me- I never thought a Masters was something I’d want… My only goal used to be just get my Bachelor’s Degree… I went to school for 5 years and graduated with an Associate’s Degree… not cool! (My loan count didn’t think so either!) I completed my Bachelor’s no problem… (it sucked- but I got good grades). Then after being at work for another 2 years and seeing where my organization is headed- I decided a Masters was the smart choice. And I want to do it before my daughter is older and I want to be a part of her life more by going to things and driving her places. Right now she can sit next to me and “nuggle” or “braid” my hair while I work on this. I hope one day she can look back and be proud of me and use me as a role model to do great things herself!
Third, my youngest step-daughter decided to stay with us every other week. Last time we tried this was a couple years ago and it was miserable. For all of us. She would throw tantrums and just be awful. But in all honesty, I probably wasn’t much better. I didn’t throw external tantrums, but I was internally for sure. That is something I struggle with so much. Being the big person, the adult. I didn’t know what I was signing up for by being a step-parent and the wife of a parent to kids that weren’t mine. I had my rosey colored “funglasses” on and thought it was going to be puppies, sunshine, coffee, and daisies. It’s not. At all. It is fighting, disagreeing, being second or third place, being questioned, feeling down, feeling worthless, and ultimately challenging. Goodness, like I’ve said before it takes me back to being the step-daughter- maybe I was crappy too. I was a kid- they are kids. I am trying so hard to remember that. They need me to be a role-model for them- just as I want to be for my blood daughter. So I’m trying. I focus my energy when I need to- I smile- I ask questions- I involve her. Still a struggle- but I’m getting there. I’m hoping writing to you will help… I’m hoping talking about my weaknesses will force me to work on them. Open myself up, be vulnerable. Ugh.
That brings me to this. My life lately has really just been chaos. Maybe not my life. But my inside. My feelings. My core. My soul. I’ve always had a huge internal debate going on. An internal struggle to be happy and feel wanted and needed and worthy. I work hard at that. Sometimes it is way easier than others. Some days are really good. Sometimes I look at my life and I’m so grateful and amazed. Sometimes I look at my life and just feel empty. I finally took the leap of faith and talked to someone about that. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever said outloud. HOW can I look at my beautiful, strong, gypsy queen of a daughter and feel empty? HOW can I look at my family and friends and pets and feel empty? HOW can I look at the house I have, vehicles, other fun stuff and feel empty? Don’t know. Just do. When I talked- she simply said- sometimes that stuff doesn’t matter- yes you have all that- but your chemicals are mixed up. Sometimes people just struggle. And golly gee- I know that! I say it all the time. I work in healthcare. I KNOW THAT! But I couldn’t see it in myself. Typical nurse! We are the worst patients.
So- with all of that… what do you think? Would you tell me I’m crazy? Would you tell me I’m doing too much? Would you say this is life and I’m just doing it my way? Would you tell me to put some music on and sing at the top of my lungs? Would you tell me to hold and hug my daughter tightly? Would you tell me to cry it out and move on? I DO KNOW that you’d tell me to “Not Let The Bastards Get You Down.” In my life- Bastards are people and Bastards are emotions and anxiety. I listen to the Kesha song and hear your voice. Thank you for the best advice ever. I miss you.
With all the love that I possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 