My Dearest Fassia,
Funny how life goes by so fast sometimes. It has been awhile since I’ve written… between being super busy and feeling down I just haven’t motivated myself to get to this outlet. Which is crazy because it is super easy! I’m sitting here, early in the morning, with my daughter on the couch… Also with me is an elephant on my chest. Why? I don’t know. It seems to have become a more frequent visitor. Sometimes, I try to imagine what color it is (I always hope for purple) but it is always clear… and heavy.
The past few months have been unusually hard for me. Between work and school and life, it got to me. I was extra cranky at home and I was very short fused. I knew it wasn’t really me or healthy. So I talked to my provider. Hardest conversation I’ve had in quite a while. But she is so good. She listened, gave me some advice, told me it was normal and OK, and then gave me a med to try. I’m not hot on taking meds, but I was as far at the bottom as I wanted to be… I can’t be a hot mess mama for my daughter! I’m also a leader in my organization and I have to be a good role model and always have a good, clear, head on my shoulders.
Taking meds is not a new thing for me. I took them about 10 years ago too, after a couple HUGE events in my life that were disastrous. Back then I never found the perfect concoction… they took away the super lows… but also took away the super highs. I hated that. Nothing worse than not being able to enjoy life! So after some time, I stopped them. And just dealt with the lows and highs internally. (Not my best decision I’m sure) This time around, when I was talking to my provider, I made sure to tell her that- I didn’t want to lose the highs… I didn’t want to be numb. It was so hard being honest and up front with her- but it was for the best- so I did it. (Amazing what having a child will help you do) We picked a med, together, and I started a regimen to make me feel better. I started it a few weeks ago and I’m starting to feel it…. so far so good! I still have the highs and not so low lows.
Even talking about this to you right now is hard. One, because you never were a big med person and two, because who likes to admit that they aren’t perfect?! But I want to break down some stigmas and be me. The best me I can be. The best me helps my husband be his best self, and my daughter be her best self. I want to make a difference in this world… a good difference. I want to leave a mark and have people remember me for making a change. One of my favorite quotes that you introduced me to is “Be the Change You Want to See in the World” (Mahatma Gandhi). I believe that there is more to his actual quote but it has been simplified to this (better marketing!) The long version and short version both help you center yourself to see that changes start with you.
As always, thank you for listening to me. Thank you for never judging me. Thank you for giving me a good base to build my life off of. Thank you for giving me your sense of humor. Thank you for always being present when we need you. Just thank you.
Here is to working hard to make life good when sometimes it isn’t. Here is to working hard to make other’s lives better around me. Here is to raising a strong daughter that will continue to enlighten this world with her smile and joy and smarts.
With all the love that I possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 