My Dearest Fassia,
What a crazy April’s Fool’s Day. I usually hate this day and have major anxiety about it- mostly because I am truly blonde and gullible. I hate not knowing if people are telling me the truth or not. I just want to trust people! BUT… today- there were not a lot of jokes. Why? Because our world is legit in a pandemic like we have not seen in many years. There is this virus called Coranavirus (COVID-19) that is sweeping countries around the world and taking people by storm. It is devastating. And what is worse in my eyes- people are making it political. UGH… seriously? People are dying and we are fighting between parties and blaming people for not making the right decisions.
Anyway… we are all quarantined home, there are no leave orders… no hanging out, no gatherings larger than 10 people, no going out unless necessary. I am feeling extremely lucky that I am still working. One, because many people are not. Two, because I think I would go crazy staying at home all the time. I know I’d still have work at home to do- and homework- and projects.. but many that is not me. I am a go outer- a hang outer. And- my husband and I would probably fight a lot. And my daughter and I need space too- too much alike! We do great when we have our space!
These times we are in are getting everybody crazy. People are feeling restless, and helpless. I am watching loved ones struggle with no work, loved ones struggling with dangerous work, loved ones struggling with health concerns… I wish I had you to talk to. I would love to hear what your thoughts are. I feel like I cannot stop watching and listening and reading the news, but I also do not want to hear anymore. It is the same thing everyday- but I feel I need to know the stats. Maybe if I am informed and educated I can help or be safe? Maybe.
It is weird, I find myself in this weird internal struggle. I want to hide, become intrinsic, be secluded, not eat, not talk, not laugh, not sing, just be lazy. BUT then, my nurturer comes out- I want to check on people, be social, make people laugh, have conversations, sing loud, dance with my daughter, and make people feel better. I do not know what is really me. Is the loud, singing, laughing me a façade? Or is it just the stronger side of me that keeps me from falling into a dark place?
One more thing before I go for the night. Since I’m on a strange path… I have been feeling quite numb. But I do not have many people to talk to about it. That is my fault, I have not been open to many people about this feeling. It is something I have dealt with my whole life. It is really deep and dark. It is why I go to counseling and take meds… to try and deal with it. To try and be “normal” and healthy for my daughter. Sometimes, I do not feel much. Not a lot of love, not a lot of sadness, not a lot of anything. In my last marriage I wondered if it was me, or the situation. I decided on the situation… now- I fear it is me. Oops. SO- I am trying so very hard to see all the good in every day at home. How much my husband does for me, how much he does for our daughter, how much she loves him. How he makes her laugh, how (when he isn’t trying so hard) he is funny. How he knows what to say to her when I don’t. How he gets along with her all the time. How much she needs him and he needs her. Goodness gracious- life sucks sometimes.
Alright- that is enough whining and complaining and wondering. I am off to “nuggle” my little girl before bed and then play some meaningless games on my phone to help my mind calm down for sleep.
Gin-Ting.
With All the Love that I Possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 