My Dearest Fassia,
What a wild and crazy ride the past few weeks have been. The world is in such unrest. I feel like the world is acting out my mind… so much crazy that doesn’t even make sense! There is the COVID-19 Pandemic and now all the racial inequality protests. I actually think that some of them have been useful and amazing. But some were harmful to the communities and environment… that does nothing but cause more problems. I mean- it got people’s attention- just in the wrong way. There are so many opinions around and to have.
All the world unrest leaves a lot of room for mental instability! I wish you were around to talk to, to talk me down. Down from what, I’m not sure… maybe just back to feeling somewhat normal. Or OK. Or calm.
I think beyond myself, I struggle with relationships more. Right now with my husband. Not that anything specific happened… that makes it harder. It is just me wondering. Am I broken? Are we broken? Is this normal and I just want to live in a surreal fairytale? That could be- I have always had grandiose thoughts and ideas and life visions. What if I’m missing my best life wanting something that will never be? That isn’t even possible? Dang this mind keeps going and going.
I find myself being overly picky. Letting the small things get to me. Yesterday I was laughing so hard I was crying- at silly videos. That is what I do… always have. Some things just tickle me. He said I laugh at dumb things. “Who laughs at that?” I thought that was so rude and hurtful. It’s been eating at me for over 24 hours. But maybe instead of being pissed, I should just feel bad for him that he can’t enjoy little things like I can? Maybe I should just brush it off as differences in people? I know one thing- I hope my daughter gets my sense of humor and not his. I hope she laughs until she cries at silly videos and dad jokes.
I know this answer is not right around the corner. Or maybe it is?! Could Be… Who knows? Ahhh.. A little West Side Story.
For now I am going to focus on being me and focus on ensuring my little girl lets her light shine no matter what. I want to squash her bad thoughts and help her little gypsy soul flourish. I look forward to watching funny things and laughing with her. I look forward to joke duals. OOOH! She told a joke the other day- I was so proud! Just a little sarcastic comment against the dog- but it made me legit laugh out loud! Proud mommy moment. You would have enjoyed that one too!
Right now- my mind is a bastard and my husband (sometimes)… and I am not going to let the Bastards get me down!
With All the Love That I Possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 