My Dearest Fassia,
Here is where I am at in my life. 35 years old, but don’t feel like it- still feel like I should be younger! Mentally that is, not physically. My body is definitely showing age. My legs are not as flawless as they used to be. Cannot lose weight as easy. I might have some gray hair… but I don’t wait to dye it long enough to find out for sure! Ever since stopping birth control my skin is awful. Reminds me of you and your complaints of acne when you were an adult. Not something we should have to deal with! Stupid. I want to be skinny, but I can’t stop eating or drinking and I can’t motivate myself to wake up early and exercise. I have trouble falling asleep but then I cannot wake up in the morning.
I look at my daughter and think she is so old and mature and then remember she is only four. Her newest thing is taking a shower by herself but then I still have to check and make sure she washes every crack and crevasse and gets all the shampoo out… and doesn’t use ALL the shaving cream playing in one shower! She is struggling so bad with emotions and tantrums. Cries about everyday. Sometimes for the silliest things that we cannot understand. I do not know if she needs better nutrients or what. I know sleep is an issue, but I don’t know how to solve that. We use melatonin gummies. No caffeine. Healthier bedtime snacks. Sleepy time spray. Nighttime routine. Unfortunately, she is like me and has some insomnia. I just hope she outgrows it. Tonight it took Ryan almost two hours with her for her to fall asleep, and I know I will see her around 3 or 4 in the morning, in our bed, wanting to snuggle. Which I will do, because I will want her to fall back asleep so she gets all the rest she can. If I send her away, she will stay awake, and that will be bad for everybody.
My only saving grace is that when she is with anybody else, without us, she is an angel. A perfect angel. A beautiful human specimen that everybody loves and wants to be around. A little lover that people rave about. She is polite, kind, loving, funny, and cute AF. Sometimes I like leaving her because then I can watch videos of her through other people’s eyes. I can see pictures of her through other people’s eyes. I can hear about her through other people’s mouths. Maybe selfish of me, but it helps me keep things in check because at home, she is a monster. Mouthy, sassy, (sometimes hilarious but we don’t tell her that), heartbreaking…
Lately, she is my main thing that I can’t control. And we both know that I struggle when I am not in control. LORD! That is the problem- I am not in control! Why am I not in control of her?! Why does she need to challenge me so much? Pay back? people talk about that, but I didn’t think it was really real? I wouldn’t wish that upon her- from mom to daughter…
Speaking of moms. That is an issue too. I can’t even talk about it now really… I don’t know how to right now. Today, I broke a wine glass she made me in the garage, in a box. On purpose. To try and let some steam out. It helped a little. It felt good at least. Maybe I need more- like those crazy rooms where you can just break shit all over?! I know that she is hard, and has issues. I know that I have treated her like a child instead of the adult for many years. I know that last time we were with her she crossed a line that I didn’t expect- with my daughter. My mother, the grandma, the Buscia, could not control her emotions around her grandchild. THAT is big. THAT is a hill I didn’t think we would ever come to. For FOUR years we have never come close. My daughter is the one thing that has been our saving grace- our one thing that brings us down to even keel, down to talking, down to communicating on a regular basis, down to trying. Now… now that I see she isn’t capable of keeping her emotions in check in front of my daughter, WITH my daughter… now we have more of problem. NOW the mama bear that people talk about is coming out and I want to protect my daughter from more hurt, from more confusion, and from more weirdness. Now that I talk about this a lot, it seems not as significant… not as high profile. But you know what- seeing the hurt on my daughter’s face that day- the day it happened- that will live in my soul for forever.
Today, I shared your Memorial Scholarship on FB for Giving Tuesday. I hope it got something. You deserve to be remembered. You were amazing, heartfelt, sincere. I miss you. I wish you were here for advice, for a hug, for a laugh. I just wish you were here.
Until next time,
With All The Love That I Possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 