My Dearest Fassia,
I’m sitting here tonight wondering how I allowed myself to go so long without writing to you. I suppose the shortest answer is- I got lost. I lost myself. Which is weird to me- because it was during a time when I was trying hard to find myself. I was trying to stay true to who I wanted to be, and who I need to be for my daughter. So much has happened since my last post. But I do not need to tell you that, you already know. I think part of me was ashamed to write to you. But now I know that is silly because you already know everything. And I know, just like always… you’ll always be here to support and love and push.
Totally random story, I was just talking to a friend about what kind of kid I was growing up. She is married to a kid that was in high school with me- a year younger. They were laughing at me hanging out with good kids. So I reminded them of the boy I had a crush on (for what reason I have no idea…). One day sitting in your classroom, you looked at him and picked up a pencil. Straight in the eyes, you stared, and warned him that if he goes anywhere near me again- you were going to take that pencil and stab him in the neck! haha… MAYBE not an OK thing for a teacher… but I appreciate the dad in you coming out and protecting me. He was not an OK choice to hang around. Thanks for saving me on that one. Just one of the many times you pushed me to be better.
I thought about what I would write tonight. Just pick up where I left off, recap everything, skip ahead to now… I’m not sure. I feel I need to get some of it out- like it is heavy shit. But then part of me knows I need to look forward and not backward. So we are going to do a mixture. Might bring up some memories… but I am going to focus on where I am now.
Which is hard. Because most days I do not know. Sometimes I think I am killing it! I am confident, feeling good, feeling myself, in love with who I am, in love with my daughter, happy for what I can provide for her… Then some days. I am a hot mess. Not like the “cute” hot mess that some girls claim to be… but a real life, hot mess, person. I struggle with confidence, I struggle with loving myself, I struggle with thinking I am even an OK mom, I just struggle. I do not think I am good enough for anything or anyone. Jesus, sometimes I think maybe my daughter would be better off just with her dad. WHICH, really, we would all think is crazy. But when she is talking about her fun times with him and her and I cannot get along… it is a thought that comes. Maybe it is the real me, deep down, that keeps me from acting on that. Maybe it is me not wanting people to judge me, maybe it is other motives that I cannot even fathom right now…. who knows?
I am realizing I need to write more. Talk to you more. I am starting to overthink the things I have written already today. I want to reread it and make sure it sounds OK. Make sure it sounds intelligent. Make sure I am writing something that could be helpful. But I do not need to reread anything, nor am I going to. I need to remember that what comes out of my brain, through my fingertips, is in the moment real. That is what this was about to begin with. That is what I want it to continue to be about. And that is what I need to remember, to live my life the best possible way. Live in the moment. Live for the moment.
I always wonder if everybody is in their head as much as I am. Or if people have the same thoughts that I have… and we just do not talk about it because it is taboo or people will laugh. I recently met a new friend. She is amazing. We just clicked and felt comfortable. We have hung out a couple times and nothing is off limits. There is no judging and I love that. I need that. I hate feeling like someone is judging me…which is silly because if they are- let them! It does not matter in the grand scheme of things. I have just always been a people pleaser. I really wish that people would be more open. And less “fake” (like social media fake with the filters and a zillion takes to get the perfect video or picture). I am really trying with my daughter to not let her see that yet. I am trying to instill in her what I am missing… confidence no matter what. The ability to see beauty in everything and everyone. The self love when she looks in the mirror. She is somewhat bigger than most of her age group- height and build. I just tell her she is powerful. Her shorts don’t fit- must be her thighs are just too powerful! She wears a bigger size than someone- good! More of her to love and she gets the clothes first and not the hand me downs! I hope that I never stop looking at her with admiration and a drive to be more like her. When people question why I like being naive… it is hard to explain to them. But that is it. I want to live my life through her eyes. So here it is to end the night:
I have thick, powerful, thighs. I have a nice smile and teeth. I have lovely green eyes. People do not see my weight, they see my passion and humor and kindness. I am passionate and beautiful and I created, and am molding, an even more passionate and beautiful daughter.
I know it has been awhile. And I know I am not 100% put together right now. But thank you for instilling in me what you did. It is the base that I continue to stand back up on.
Do not be a stranger.
With all the Love that I Possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 