My Dearest Fassia,
2024. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be. Most of the time I get down about that. But I am slowly working on that. Working on being proud of who I am and where I am. Proud of the mountains I’ve climbed and the growing I’ve done. Proud of the daughter I am raising to be strong and kind and brave and fierce. (You’d be so proud of her!)
That all sounds lovely, so what gets me down? The fact that I feel like a failure. (I’m really not- I know this deep down). This is where my mental health provider tells me I get in my head and make things up. In my head I have all these things that people are saying about me, or thinking about me. But I have no evidence of this being true. They are saying things about my two marriages, about me being a single mom, about me not being able to make things work for my child, about my weight, about the way I dress. Basically, all my insecurities are being spoke by others… in my head. Totally legit, right?!
What really gets me, I look at others and don’t judge them. I don’t see the things I think they all see in me. I know that there are more details to everyone’s story- hidden details. So why am I different?
I talked about needing to grieve the “life I thought I would have” or grieve “the dream life” I thought I’d have. Life I thought I’d have: Happily married for so long with a family- doing all the fun stuff, taking trips, making memories, and being solid… two people in a relationship making each better, helping them thrive and grow. I think I am ready to grieve that now. Grieve that and move on. I’m figuring out that the more I hang on, the more I am robbing myself of my time now. That’s my goal for 2024, be more forgiving to myself. Allow my thoughts to move on and not live in my head. I know I’ll continue to struggle, that’s just me. BUT, if I know it- maybe I can embrace it and work through it. Maybe.
OK… I need to go to bed. I won’t sleep for awhile. But I’ll try. Random thought- I think I’m going to read your journal again. It has been a couple years. Sometimes it is hard and I don’t like mentally and emotionally hard… makes me miss you. I’m hoping it’ll help me feel closer to you though. Maybe pick up a couple nuggets of wisdom.
Until later, don’t be a stranger!
With All The Love That I Possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 