My Dearest Fassia,
Can you believe my brother is going to be 33 tomorrow and my sister will be 35 this weekend? How did we grow up so fast!? Birthdays and other big things are still hard. You shouldn’t be missing them. I’m so proud of who my siblings have become and how they are both continuing to grow and learn and be better. You’d be proud.
Lately I’ve been pretty down again. I’m trying not to be because I know life is good. Just when things get shaken up, it’s hard to let go of what I thought life should be. Instead, I need to cherish what it is right now. I’m trying to do that more. Live in the moment. Focus on my daughter and our lives together. Make sure she is having the best life possible. Teach her to be kind and patient. Teach her to look at things differently. (Instead of being mad about traffic, enjoy people watching and be thankful these people are giving our town money.) We are really focusing on being tourists in our own town- experiencing all the things and doing lots of adventures. We basically live at the beach, which is perfect because she’s a fish. She’s recently been into cartwheels and doing the splits. Which is crazy because how can she do the splits?! And her cartwheels are so much better! Makes me happy to see her happy. Like maybe I’m doing something right in my life.
I don’t feel I’m doing much else right. Work is crazy. Had to decide to roll with the punches and move into a new position instead of trying to find new employment. It was a challenging situation because it felt very personal, even though I knew it wasn’t. Had to really fight the feelings of being a failure or that others would think I wasn’t good at my job. I really do care too much, about what people think. Well, let me rephrase that- what I THINK people think. I was once asked what proof I had that people were thinking what I thought they were thinking. That maybe I’m making it all up in my head. Maybe they were thinking something totally different and I made my situation worse by over thinking and being anxious. I think about that a lot now- don’t assume what people are thinking. Don’t assume people care that much about me to consume their thoughts! It has actually helped me be a little more confident in situations. Focus on me. Not them.
Relationship status has been downgraded again too. It needed to happen though- but it was hard. It was self preservation. I am ultimately proud of myself for standing up for myself. I knew how I wanted to be treated, and I wasn’t being treated that way. I knew I couldn’t settle again. So back to focusing on me and being happy. Living free. I have already had 3 people tell me I seemed more authentic and more fun. I see it- I’m not walking on eggshells. I don’t have someone that I need to worry about hurting. I think the shit part of this is- it was over something I can’t control. My baby daddy- he isn’t going anywhere. He’s here to stay as long as we have our daughter together. It brought out an anger that turned spiteful and personal to me. I would often think that you wouldn’t be supportive of me staying- so I was trying to find strength from you too. So thank you. Thank you for always being here for me still…
My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes happy and free, sometimes depressed and hopeless. Like hopeless in the fact that some situations I will always be in. Ugga. OK I’m disgusting myself now! I thought it would feel good to write you, but it is just breaking my heart more. I think I need to figure out how to grieve the life I thought I’d have, but don’t have. I need to learn to love myself and not always wonder why I’m not good enough. So I know what to do- just can’t do it. I’m going to keep trying though- for my daughter. I want her to be proud of me.
OK I’m going to end this positive with another promise to myself. A promise to try and be happy- that it’s OK to be happy. At work, I’m going to give it my all and do what I can to make a difference. Relationship, I’m going to heal and just be me. I’m going to try and be more present in my family and in my daughter’s life. I want to hear her and see her and not miss out on her great personality. She’s amazing… she really is! Alright, time for bed.
Cheers to living life for you.
With All The Love That I Possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 