My Dearest Fassia,
I leveled up! Level 38. It was a calm birthday but I definitely felt the love from my friends. My one work friend decorated my office and got me a really nice work bag (I needed a new one). She also got me some flowers and balloons. Then she planned a night out with some other friends.
My friend from town got me a sash, squirrel statue (that looks like a swan), a googly eyes cup, balloon, and a caboodle filled with TONS of stuff! I actually haven’t gone through it all yet- it’s going to need all my attention!
Overall, it was a lovely night filled with lots of laughs and Happy Birthday messages. It was a little weird not having my daughter, but sometimes life happens and you do what you need to do.
She’s been downstate the last two weeks at mom’s. We didn’t have any other childcare and I couldn’t take 2 weeks off work- so that was our option. I felt bad she was down there so long- but I did go visit her on the weekend in between. And we FaceTimed often. She’s hilarious. I love her attitude and spirit. She’s such a lover and empath. (Which makes me a little nervous, but more on that later). You’d have been proud- she got me a “Joe Mama” joke… I walked right into it! Usually I fake it so she thinks she gets me- but she actually got me. I’m only a little embarrassed about that. haha…
OK more on her empath status. I worry about it. I know how I am with my emotions, and how much I struggled growing up. Shit… still struggle. Today mom called me to tell me her thoughts. She had good points, but it was annoying hearing it from her. Because she is so dramatic and wants to over do everything. My kiddo is so good at reading a room and seeing who needs more love in their lives at that moment. And she focuses her energy on that. Almost ultra focuses- so it drains her. And I’m seeing this already and she’s 7- I hope we don’t have a long life ahead of us. I hope I can help fill her cup enough to cover, and give her enough tools to use when she needs. Her dad doesn’t help either. His narcissism comes alive with her empathy, which it did to me too. He demands her energy and “love” and it is so unfair to her. Sometimes I feel like I miss out on her, or I sacrifice a lot with her, so that I can try and protect her. Like today, he went and got her, she was supposed to come see me, he didn’t want to bring her. So she called me and said “they were both tired” and she will be here tomorrow for the night anyway. Clearly, he talked her into that. BUT, instead of arguing, I just asked if she was really OK with that. If so, then I’ll see her tomorrow. I didn’t fight it, or try and make her feel bad for not coming over. But my heart was sad. I put on my happy face and told her I couldn’t wait until tomorrow and we will find something fun to get into!
These are the moments when my heart is so sad. I struggle more than usual. I really have to remind myself that getting divorced was best for her because she’s around his toxicity less now. I seriously can only hope I’m doing right by her. My ultimate goal in life- is to raise her to make this world a better place. I want her happy and content and kind and brave. No pressure though. ha… raising kids is challenging that’s for sure. Sometimes just being a human is challenging.
Life is so weird to me.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I’ve cried more in the past couple of weeks than I have in a long time. Like random crying. At songs, tiktok videos, pictures, my parenting, and probably more. I don’t understand people that are genuinely happy. Or are they? Maybe they just fake it? I mean I have happy moments for sure. But then I have other moments filled with severe anxiety, uneasiness, trouble breathing, insecurities, insomnia, anger, and just pure sadness and exhaustion.
I’m working really hard on learning to fill my cup and fill it healthy. Fill it with things that actually make me happy. Be OK with what those things are. Care less about what people think. Live my life for me and my daughter. Be a little more adventurous. Less of a push over. Surround myself with things that make me happy, not things that drain me. That includes people. Listen to my advice to people and take it for myself. Keep learning it is OK to not please everyone and not have everyone like me. As long as I’m a good person and show that to my daughter, and raise her to be good… everything else will fall into place.
I need to do this more. Write. It’s a good therapy for me- I love typing. And just getting my thoughts out, hopefully, helping me process them a little. I have some more thoughts, but maybe for later or tomorrow. Not sure I can do it right now.
Until later.
With All The Love That I Possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 