My Dearest Fassia,
It is currently 1:44AM. I should be sleeping. But I can’t. Story of my life sometimes. So tonight, instead of ordering random “as seen on TV” things- I am writing you. Also, I need you right now. I don’t feel OK inside. I’ve been having some weird experiences and definite insomnia.
I have two things to write about tonight. First is an experience I had and second is about my daughter.
So as you know- just went through a break up. And he became a little stressful to me because he seemed obsessed. He couldn’t understand why things had to end. He kept going through phases of being over “loving” and downright cruel. He exploited all my secrets and darkest hours of my life and he shoved them in my face to cut me down. To make me feel like an awful human. Which I did. Sometimes still do. I mean, I know I am not perfect- noone is. But damn, he cut deep. He also showed up at my place and left flowers on my vehicle. He sent me flowers with a card that said- I’m nothing without you. I’m nervous he won’t move on. So the other night I was struggling sleeping and with my mind. I had just fallen asleep and then felt someone leaning over me. I felt them breathing in my ear. I felt the pressure of them on me. I was terrified. Debilitated. I knew I was sleeping and it was not real, but also could not move because it felt so real. I had my phone in my hand and I wanted to check his location. But I didn’t want him to see because he was standing behind me. I had to breathe deep breaths and work up the nerve to turn around and see he was not there. I finally did. I slowly rolled over and showed myself he wasn’t there. Which I knew… But what I also knew was that feeling was too real. So unsettling.
Which is probably why I’m feeling this next part so much too. It’s about my daughter, and the fact that she feels things so strongly too. Goodness I can see her in me and it scares me for her. Scares me because it is draining. Exhausting. Often times lonely. I see that child give so much of herself for others. She is such a mothering type. So caring. So concerned about others. I see her being exhausted every day. I need to find a way to make sure she is filling her bucket. She naturally gives herself to others and then her dad takes from her too. I don’t think he even knows he is doing it. (That is his narcissism) She is a protector and a lover. And now I need to find a way to protect her and love her the way she deserves.
Really… I need to teach her to keep loving herself first all the time. Love herself more than I love myself. Maybe that will keep her a little more whole than I feel.
OK- that is it for tonight. I need to try and sleep. Maybe. I guess I’m looking for some peace from you this week. Just this week to start… while I have my daughter. Keep me peaceful so I can properly give her what she needs to be whole and keep being the most amazing human to walk this planet. Gosh I love her.
With All The Love That I Possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 