My Dearest Fassia,
What a whirlwind life has been lately. Again, it’s been way too long since I’ve written. I don’t even know where to start.
I’ll start with the fact that sometimes I’m really not OK. BUT I’m learning to reach out and ask for help. Or I’ll reach out and talk to someone. And really just saying I’m not OK is a big relief. I focus on small things and try to accomplish those. I know doing the dishes every night helps me out. But the biggest thing- is taking out my trash. When I take it out and shut the door to the garbage bin behind me- I feel so god damned accomplished! It’s so silly- and a little embarrassing… but I’ve learned it’s my thing. I feel yucky when my trash piles up. And I feel like a champion when it’s taken out. It’s an annoying recurring task that needs to be done- I know it needs to be done- but sometimes it is just a lot and doesn’t get done. I’ll have a whole wall lined up of boxes and bags. Gross? Maybe. Challenging for me? Yes. Something that I work on all the time? Most definitely!
Gosh- since I’ve written last- I’ve gotten a PPO on mr. crazy. He doesn’t even deserve that nickname. I say doesn’t deserve, but what he does deserve is help. I didn’t realize his mental issues were so deep. It all makes sense more now since his mom has been texting. Red flags I missed for sure. Someone sent me a meme= Counselor- didn’t you see the red flags? Me- yes but I thought it was a carnival! :)
Funny not funny? But for real- I got the PPO- it never got served- his mom AND him send me messages. I was nice to her- passive aggressive to him. Since those responses I haven’t heard from him. Honestly, I think he is still lurking around at times. Like I just feel something is off. I got a card in the mail regarding something with my fantasy football team. No-one in my league fessed up- my brother and sister both mentioned him and maybe it was his doing? I don’t know though… Also, my tahoe broke again. Was that him? Can he see in my windows? Is his in his car watching me? Did he put a listening device in my tahoe and is listening to me talk to text or talk on the phone? So much goes through my brain! Probably not healthy. hehe… maybe I should take my garbage out!
Tahoe = gosh darn tahoe. Stopped working when my daughter and I were downstate. Probably transmission again. I went out of my comfort zone and asked people for assistance. I saved a couple hundred bucks and let my brother drive us part way and a friend come pick us up for the other part. I didn’t like having to rely on people and put them out of their normal plans. But I did it. It was nice spending time with my brother. Extra time! and the sky while driving was spectacular! Then my friend ended up giving me a compliment by saying he liked my company so it wasn’t a problem. How nice! But I still felt bad…
I’d like to say thank you for what you instilled in me- that I’m instilling in your granddaughter. She’s amazing. Incredible. Truly a light in this world. I really think you shine through her. She shines through you. It’s fun. I like raising a good human.
Had a really good texting conversation with my sister tonight. Sometimes I think we are on different pages. But then nights like tonight happen and I realize I need to let my guard down more. I get so caught up in what I THINK people are thinking of me- that I let it cloud my judgments and thinking. I know her and I are different. Everybody is. But we are also so alike and it’s fun to talk with her on things. I just worry so much that she judges me for my bad decisions or my decisions that are different than she’d make. But then I know that isn’t fair to her and she doesn’t deserve my tainted brain putting her down. Which then makes me feel bad and I start spiraling. ha. What a mess.
Tonight though- instead of spiraling- I embraced myself, and I embraced her and I just talked with her. And I laughed out loud and I really felt her. Felt for her. I want to take away her pain and her worries.
Alright. Time for bed. I have an early day catching a ride into work. Relying on friends to help me out. Hopefully we get breakfast though! Thank you for always listening (even though you don’t have a choice with the state you are in in my life). Thank you for what you taught me. Thank you for being you.
I miss you.
With all the love that I possess,
Your daughter
Letters to Fassia 