My Dearest Fassia,
I struggled opening my laptop to write this one. I have two things I’d love to be able to talk to you about. Get advice about. One I’m embarrassed about, I think I know what I need to do- I’ve just never been in this situation before and my dark mind makes up stories. The second thing makes me enraged and heartbroken at the same time- it is regarding my daughter and baby daddy… Ugga.
Wow, just getting the topics out seemed exhausting. Not sure I will get through it all- but I’ll try. It feels good to write, to type- instead of just cry.
We are going to start with number two… duh. It’s not about me, so it’s easier to discuss. Not my fault. Well kind of not… My daughter is with her dad this week. Tonight, she felt the need to text me, “I’m sorry about dad”… what in the fuck?! My anger and sadness are crashing into each other. The fact that my daughter feels the need to apologize for him. The fact that he does something that needs apologizing. The fact that I put her in that situation. The fact that at her age, she feels those feelings, and is brave enough to apologize for another human being. Her heart is like mine; takes blame for things not in our control, loves when we probably shouldn’t, afraid to leave people behind, cares too deeply. It reminds me of a wonderful quote I need to teach her: “To the empath- observe, don’t absorb.” I wish I knew who said that- it’s brilliant. Why did we get to this point of an apology on a random Tuesday night? Because I called at 8:08PM to see how school went and say goodnight, thinking bedtime was at 8:30PM. Apparently, quiet time is at 8. Learned that the hard way. I don’t know his rules. He calls here after 8 or early in the morning. I have NEVER restricted her talking to him and I never will. Instead of just texting me and asking me to not call so late next time, he interrupted our call, yelled, and ridiculed me. Which is actually ironic because I was just telling my BF that I was glad to be divorced because then I could shield her from the abuse that typically comes in the form of texts or calls. I didn’t shield her tonight… instead I walked right into the fire- with her. Goodness gracious I feel awful. The fact that she ended her night apologizing for her dad… nothing a child should ever have to do. So yet again, I will change my ways to appease him, to shelter her. NOT that calling earlier is a big deal… it’s really not. I usually try and wait so I don’t interrupt their nights together. But not anymore. I’ll sit on video and eat dinner with them. I do not understand why he is so angry. Simply heartbreaking.
I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m far from it. Trying to live my life without any more mental breakdowns… but I fear one is coming. Due to finances. (This is number one from above). I’ve been starting to watch my bank account more because I wondered if I was being hacked slowly- conspiracy theory… I make fairly good money- where I live IS expensive, but I should be banking more… Anyway… When I am alone, I don’t do well. I get in my head. So I go out- either alone or with friends. Keep busy, don’t stop, and you won’t think. But going out is expensive too. This morning I got an email that I overdrafted on my account. Granted I did just spend a lot with end of month vehicle and house bills, broken arm bills, and beginning of school stuff… I get paid Friday- but that’s not the point. I’m embarrassed I’ve let myself get to this point because I’m better than this. Smarter than this. I’ve always been afraid of having no money- especially since I had to ask you for money to take my RN boards in 2009. I said I’d never get there again. So this is my rock bottom. This is where I promised myself I would never be. It makes me feel sad and scared and embarrassed and uncomfortable. I’m hoping telling you will feed that discomfort and help me find some strength to turn this around fast. Not like I really have a choice… so maybe more so it’ll help me be OK staying home more.. help me find a cheap hobby at home (I do have some books to read).
That is all I have in me tonight I think. I’m pulling a you- journaling without rereading it… just letting the thoughts and feelings flow without edit. Scary. This did help though. Typing therapy to the one person I feel got me best, supported me the most, and loved me without judgement.
Plan for tomorrow: Call my daughter earlier. Work hard at work. Go through bank account and trend things. Spend no extra money. Look for second jobs. Keep organizing her room for her. Put my laundry away. That’s a lot. Might not put my laundry away.
Just kidding, I’m not done. I do have one more thing… as I was getting ready to sign off, I started getting anxious. I don’t know about what (besides above…) I’ve been feeling unsettled lately. Feeling that something bad is going to happen. Feeling watched. Doesn’t help that Mr. PPO popped back up on Facebook the other week. Now every weird thing makes me nervous. Oh my Alexa stopped playing music and my internet stopped working- he must have done it. Is that truck following me? Can’t go get the mail at night, he might be watching. I’m so paranoid right now I accused my BF of video stalking me because he said a couple things coincidentally tonight. He handled it well actually. I’d run if I were him. Instead, he keeps showing up in all the ways I need him at that moment.
Time to be brave and get out of bed and go switch my laundry. Then bedtime if I can sleep. Not like you have a choice, but thank you for listening. Thank you for continuing to be my safe space. Thank you for being a role model still… I’m going to make you proud again!
With All The Love That I Possess,
Your Daughter
Letters to Fassia 