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My First Blog Post

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

My Dearest Fassia,

I’ve decided to start writing more. I don’t really have another outlet. I remember in high school you helped me start my own little newsletter. That was so fun. You were always so supportive and encouraging. Thank you.

I’m excited to get some thoughts and feelings down on “paper”. New school ways. I wonder what you’d think of the world today. So electronic!

Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates. And thank you!

With all the love that I possess,

Your daughter

9.2.25

My Dearest Fassia,

I struggled opening my laptop to write this one. I have two things I’d love to be able to talk to you about. Get advice about. One I’m embarrassed about, I think I know what I need to do- I’ve just never been in this situation before and my dark mind makes up stories. The second thing makes me enraged and heartbroken at the same time- it is regarding my daughter and baby daddy… Ugga.

Wow, just getting the topics out seemed exhausting. Not sure I will get through it all- but I’ll try. It feels good to write, to type- instead of just cry.

We are going to start with number two… duh. It’s not about me, so it’s easier to discuss. Not my fault. Well kind of not… My daughter is with her dad this week. Tonight, she felt the need to text me, “I’m sorry about dad”… what in the fuck?! My anger and sadness are crashing into each other. The fact that my daughter feels the need to apologize for him. The fact that he does something that needs apologizing. The fact that I put her in that situation. The fact that at her age, she feels those feelings, and is brave enough to apologize for another human being. Her heart is like mine; takes blame for things not in our control, loves when we probably shouldn’t, afraid to leave people behind, cares too deeply. It reminds me of a wonderful quote I need to teach her: “To the empath- observe, don’t absorb.” I wish I knew who said that- it’s brilliant. Why did we get to this point of an apology on a random Tuesday night? Because I called at 8:08PM to see how school went and say goodnight, thinking bedtime was at 8:30PM. Apparently, quiet time is at 8. Learned that the hard way. I don’t know his rules. He calls here after 8 or early in the morning. I have NEVER restricted her talking to him and I never will. Instead of just texting me and asking me to not call so late next time, he interrupted our call, yelled, and ridiculed me. Which is actually ironic because I was just telling my BF that I was glad to be divorced because then I could shield her from the abuse that typically comes in the form of texts or calls. I didn’t shield her tonight… instead I walked right into the fire- with her. Goodness gracious I feel awful. The fact that she ended her night apologizing for her dad… nothing a child should ever have to do. So yet again, I will change my ways to appease him, to shelter her. NOT that calling earlier is a big deal… it’s really not. I usually try and wait so I don’t interrupt their nights together. But not anymore. I’ll sit on video and eat dinner with them. I do not understand why he is so angry. Simply heartbreaking.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m far from it. Trying to live my life without any more mental breakdowns… but I fear one is coming. Due to finances. (This is number one from above). I’ve been starting to watch my bank account more because I wondered if I was being hacked slowly- conspiracy theory… I make fairly good money- where I live IS expensive, but I should be banking more… Anyway… When I am alone, I don’t do well. I get in my head. So I go out- either alone or with friends. Keep busy, don’t stop, and you won’t think. But going out is expensive too. This morning I got an email that I overdrafted on my account. Granted I did just spend a lot with end of month vehicle and house bills, broken arm bills, and beginning of school stuff… I get paid Friday- but that’s not the point. I’m embarrassed I’ve let myself get to this point because I’m better than this. Smarter than this. I’ve always been afraid of having no money- especially since I had to ask you for money to take my RN boards in 2009. I said I’d never get there again. So this is my rock bottom. This is where I promised myself I would never be. It makes me feel sad and scared and embarrassed and uncomfortable. I’m hoping telling you will feed that discomfort and help me find some strength to turn this around fast. Not like I really have a choice… so maybe more so it’ll help me be OK staying home more.. help me find a cheap hobby at home (I do have some books to read).

That is all I have in me tonight I think. I’m pulling a you- journaling without rereading it… just letting the thoughts and feelings flow without edit. Scary. This did help though. Typing therapy to the one person I feel got me best, supported me the most, and loved me without judgement.

Plan for tomorrow: Call my daughter earlier. Work hard at work. Go through bank account and trend things. Spend no extra money. Look for second jobs. Keep organizing her room for her. Put my laundry away. That’s a lot. Might not put my laundry away.

Just kidding, I’m not done. I do have one more thing… as I was getting ready to sign off, I started getting anxious. I don’t know about what (besides above…) I’ve been feeling unsettled lately. Feeling that something bad is going to happen. Feeling watched. Doesn’t help that Mr. PPO popped back up on Facebook the other week. Now every weird thing makes me nervous. Oh my Alexa stopped playing music and my internet stopped working- he must have done it. Is that truck following me? Can’t go get the mail at night, he might be watching. I’m so paranoid right now I accused my BF of video stalking me because he said a couple things coincidentally tonight. He handled it well actually. I’d run if I were him. Instead, he keeps showing up in all the ways I need him at that moment.

Time to be brave and get out of bed and go switch my laundry. Then bedtime if I can sleep. Not like you have a choice, but thank you for listening. Thank you for continuing to be my safe space. Thank you for being a role model still… I’m going to make you proud again!

With All The Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter

7.2.25

My Dearest Fassia,

Where to start?! Currently sitting outside watching my daughter do a zillion cartwheels in a row. It’s a gorgeous night out! Watching the sun go down, enjoying a nice warm breeze. Listening to the cats bicker at the screen door! Walter is being a butthead to Ilsa and sometimes we do not know why! We think it’s because he gets mad she doesn’t pay attention to him when he meows at her- but she can’t hear him- but he doesn’t know that! It is actually quite comical watching them. Also listening to my daughter tell me everything about everything. Literally. She doesn’t stop talking sometimes! Which I actually love. The fact that she feels comfortable to just talk is great. It’s fun watching her grow and learn and figure life out. It amazes me- how did she learn all these words?! Just listening to everyone else? Gosh, humans are incredible. She’s currently debating whether we stay outside for 15 more minutes or if we go in in 5 minutes for dessert. Now we are talking about her bottom teeth growing back in and how the hole is a straw holder! She’s hilarious.
I think the two of you would have been quite the pair. Joking around, laughing hysterically, being silly.

Life has been busy lately. Got myself a new man. And I think he’s a good one. Came out of nowhere. Met him in the wild! Swore off dating sites, got tired of the bullshit. And honestly a bit scared after Mr. PPO. Someone said he could fake a profile and find me again. And I really just didn’t feel like I could trust anyone on there again. So I went to Detroit with a group of people (through a friend) and lived my best life. Had a blast. Laughed. Was silly. Was carefree. Dressed the way I wanted to. Ate and drank what I wanted to. Enjoyed life. AND a man watched it all… and fell for me. The real me. I saw something in his eyes and smile. Actually asked for his number (through a friend)- and reached out just to say thank you for being a kind human being. We kept talking and the rest is history!

He has taken on to my whirlwind life where there is always something going on! Met me and my tahoe broke (again). And then broke again. He helped fix it. And then… I broke myself! Fell and fractured my arm and he cared for me during that. Laughed that he was the first guy that put a bra back on me instead of try and take it off! He deals with my trauma responses from divorce and mean men and Mr. PPO. He is there through my anxiety attacks and restless leg nights. He is there when I can’t sleep. He laughs with me. Jokes with me. Asks me about my day. Cares about my daughter. Is intentional about his words. But probably of biggest point- he learns and adapts and adjusts. Is he perfect- not at all. But he doesn’t claim to be either. He is a hard worker. It is a breath of fresh air!

Just wanted to say hi. Let you know I’m OK right now. And that I’m learning it is OK to be OK! I miss you so much. I wish so many people could meet you. I wish we could hang out. I’ll come back soon and tell you all about being back in our hometown- it’s been so fun hearing so many stories about you!

I love you Dad!

With All The Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter

12.9.24

My Dearest Fassia,

What a whirlwind life has been lately. Again, it’s been way too long since I’ve written. I don’t even know where to start.

I’ll start with the fact that sometimes I’m really not OK. BUT I’m learning to reach out and ask for help. Or I’ll reach out and talk to someone. And really just saying I’m not OK is a big relief. I focus on small things and try to accomplish those. I know doing the dishes every night helps me out. But the biggest thing- is taking out my trash. When I take it out and shut the door to the garbage bin behind me- I feel so god damned accomplished! It’s so silly- and a little embarrassing… but I’ve learned it’s my thing. I feel yucky when my trash piles up. And I feel like a champion when it’s taken out. It’s an annoying recurring task that needs to be done- I know it needs to be done- but sometimes it is just a lot and doesn’t get done. I’ll have a whole wall lined up of boxes and bags. Gross? Maybe. Challenging for me? Yes. Something that I work on all the time? Most definitely!

Gosh- since I’ve written last- I’ve gotten a PPO on mr. crazy. He doesn’t even deserve that nickname. I say doesn’t deserve, but what he does deserve is help. I didn’t realize his mental issues were so deep. It all makes sense more now since his mom has been texting. Red flags I missed for sure. Someone sent me a meme= Counselor- didn’t you see the red flags? Me- yes but I thought it was a carnival! :)
Funny not funny? But for real- I got the PPO- it never got served- his mom AND him send me messages. I was nice to her- passive aggressive to him. Since those responses I haven’t heard from him. Honestly, I think he is still lurking around at times. Like I just feel something is off. I got a card in the mail regarding something with my fantasy football team. No-one in my league fessed up- my brother and sister both mentioned him and maybe it was his doing? I don’t know though… Also, my tahoe broke again. Was that him? Can he see in my windows? Is his in his car watching me? Did he put a listening device in my tahoe and is listening to me talk to text or talk on the phone? So much goes through my brain! Probably not healthy. hehe… maybe I should take my garbage out!

Tahoe = gosh darn tahoe. Stopped working when my daughter and I were downstate. Probably transmission again. I went out of my comfort zone and asked people for assistance. I saved a couple hundred bucks and let my brother drive us part way and a friend come pick us up for the other part. I didn’t like having to rely on people and put them out of their normal plans. But I did it. It was nice spending time with my brother. Extra time! and the sky while driving was spectacular! Then my friend ended up giving me a compliment by saying he liked my company so it wasn’t a problem. How nice! But I still felt bad…

I’d like to say thank you for what you instilled in me- that I’m instilling in your granddaughter. She’s amazing. Incredible. Truly a light in this world. I really think you shine through her. She shines through you. It’s fun. I like raising a good human.

Had a really good texting conversation with my sister tonight. Sometimes I think we are on different pages. But then nights like tonight happen and I realize I need to let my guard down more. I get so caught up in what I THINK people are thinking of me- that I let it cloud my judgments and thinking. I know her and I are different. Everybody is. But we are also so alike and it’s fun to talk with her on things. I just worry so much that she judges me for my bad decisions or my decisions that are different than she’d make. But then I know that isn’t fair to her and she doesn’t deserve my tainted brain putting her down. Which then makes me feel bad and I start spiraling. ha. What a mess.
Tonight though- instead of spiraling- I embraced myself, and I embraced her and I just talked with her. And I laughed out loud and I really felt her. Felt for her. I want to take away her pain and her worries.

Alright. Time for bed. I have an early day catching a ride into work. Relying on friends to help me out. Hopefully we get breakfast though! Thank you for always listening (even though you don’t have a choice with the state you are in in my life). Thank you for what you taught me. Thank you for being you.

I miss you.

With all the love that I possess,

Your daughter

9.22.24

My Dearest Fassia,

It is currently 1:44AM. I should be sleeping. But I can’t. Story of my life sometimes. So tonight, instead of ordering random “as seen on TV” things- I am writing you. Also, I need you right now. I don’t feel OK inside. I’ve been having some weird experiences and definite insomnia.

I have two things to write about tonight. First is an experience I had and second is about my daughter.

So as you know- just went through a break up. And he became a little stressful to me because he seemed obsessed. He couldn’t understand why things had to end. He kept going through phases of being over “loving” and downright cruel. He exploited all my secrets and darkest hours of my life and he shoved them in my face to cut me down. To make me feel like an awful human. Which I did. Sometimes still do. I mean, I know I am not perfect- noone is. But damn, he cut deep. He also showed up at my place and left flowers on my vehicle. He sent me flowers with a card that said- I’m nothing without you. I’m nervous he won’t move on. So the other night I was struggling sleeping and with my mind. I had just fallen asleep and then felt someone leaning over me. I felt them breathing in my ear. I felt the pressure of them on me. I was terrified. Debilitated. I knew I was sleeping and it was not real, but also could not move because it felt so real. I had my phone in my hand and I wanted to check his location. But I didn’t want him to see because he was standing behind me. I had to breathe deep breaths and work up the nerve to turn around and see he was not there. I finally did. I slowly rolled over and showed myself he wasn’t there. Which I knew… But what I also knew was that feeling was too real. So unsettling.

Which is probably why I’m feeling this next part so much too. It’s about my daughter, and the fact that she feels things so strongly too. Goodness I can see her in me and it scares me for her. Scares me because it is draining. Exhausting. Often times lonely. I see that child give so much of herself for others. She is such a mothering type. So caring. So concerned about others. I see her being exhausted every day. I need to find a way to make sure she is filling her bucket. She naturally gives herself to others and then her dad takes from her too. I don’t think he even knows he is doing it. (That is his narcissism) She is a protector and a lover. And now I need to find a way to protect her and love her the way she deserves.

Really… I need to teach her to keep loving herself first all the time. Love herself more than I love myself. Maybe that will keep her a little more whole than I feel.

OK- that is it for tonight. I need to try and sleep. Maybe. I guess I’m looking for some peace from you this week. Just this week to start… while I have my daughter. Keep me peaceful so I can properly give her what she needs to be whole and keep being the most amazing human to walk this planet. Gosh I love her.

With All The Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter

8.31.24

My Dearest Fassia,

I leveled up! Level 38. It was a calm birthday but I definitely felt the love from my friends. My one work friend decorated my office and got me a really nice work bag (I needed a new one). She also got me some flowers and balloons. Then she planned a night out with some other friends.

My friend from town got me a sash, squirrel statue (that looks like a swan), a googly eyes cup, balloon, and a caboodle filled with TONS of stuff! I actually haven’t gone through it all yet- it’s going to need all my attention!

Overall, it was a lovely night filled with lots of laughs and Happy Birthday messages. It was a little weird not having my daughter, but sometimes life happens and you do what you need to do.

She’s been downstate the last two weeks at mom’s. We didn’t have any other childcare and I couldn’t take 2 weeks off work- so that was our option. I felt bad she was down there so long- but I did go visit her on the weekend in between. And we FaceTimed often. She’s hilarious. I love her attitude and spirit. She’s such a lover and empath. (Which makes me a little nervous, but more on that later). You’d have been proud- she got me a “Joe Mama” joke… I walked right into it! Usually I fake it so she thinks she gets me- but she actually got me. I’m only a little embarrassed about that. haha…

OK more on her empath status. I worry about it. I know how I am with my emotions, and how much I struggled growing up. Shit… still struggle. Today mom called me to tell me her thoughts. She had good points, but it was annoying hearing it from her. Because she is so dramatic and wants to over do everything. My kiddo is so good at reading a room and seeing who needs more love in their lives at that moment. And she focuses her energy on that. Almost ultra focuses- so it drains her. And I’m seeing this already and she’s 7- I hope we don’t have a long life ahead of us. I hope I can help fill her cup enough to cover, and give her enough tools to use when she needs. Her dad doesn’t help either. His narcissism comes alive with her empathy, which it did to me too. He demands her energy and “love” and it is so unfair to her. Sometimes I feel like I miss out on her, or I sacrifice a lot with her, so that I can try and protect her. Like today, he went and got her, she was supposed to come see me, he didn’t want to bring her. So she called me and said “they were both tired” and she will be here tomorrow for the night anyway. Clearly, he talked her into that. BUT, instead of arguing, I just asked if she was really OK with that. If so, then I’ll see her tomorrow. I didn’t fight it, or try and make her feel bad for not coming over. But my heart was sad. I put on my happy face and told her I couldn’t wait until tomorrow and we will find something fun to get into!

These are the moments when my heart is so sad. I struggle more than usual. I really have to remind myself that getting divorced was best for her because she’s around his toxicity less now. I seriously can only hope I’m doing right by her. My ultimate goal in life- is to raise her to make this world a better place. I want her happy and content and kind and brave. No pressure though. ha… raising kids is challenging that’s for sure. Sometimes just being a human is challenging.

Life is so weird to me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I’ve cried more in the past couple of weeks than I have in a long time. Like random crying. At songs, tiktok videos, pictures, my parenting, and probably more. I don’t understand people that are genuinely happy. Or are they? Maybe they just fake it? I mean I have happy moments for sure. But then I have other moments filled with severe anxiety, uneasiness, trouble breathing, insecurities, insomnia, anger, and just pure sadness and exhaustion.

I’m working really hard on learning to fill my cup and fill it healthy. Fill it with things that actually make me happy. Be OK with what those things are. Care less about what people think. Live my life for me and my daughter. Be a little more adventurous. Less of a push over. Surround myself with things that make me happy, not things that drain me. That includes people. Listen to my advice to people and take it for myself. Keep learning it is OK to not please everyone and not have everyone like me. As long as I’m a good person and show that to my daughter, and raise her to be good… everything else will fall into place.

I need to do this more. Write. It’s a good therapy for me- I love typing. And just getting my thoughts out, hopefully, helping me process them a little. I have some more thoughts, but maybe for later or tomorrow. Not sure I can do it right now.

Until later.

With All The Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter

7.23.24

My Dearest Fassia,

Can you believe my brother is going to be 33 tomorrow and my sister will be 35 this weekend? How did we grow up so fast!? Birthdays and other big things are still hard. You shouldn’t be missing them. I’m so proud of who my siblings have become and how they are both continuing to grow and learn and be better. You’d be proud.

Lately I’ve been pretty down again. I’m trying not to be because I know life is good. Just when things get shaken up, it’s hard to let go of what I thought life should be. Instead, I need to cherish what it is right now. I’m trying to do that more. Live in the moment. Focus on my daughter and our lives together. Make sure she is having the best life possible. Teach her to be kind and patient. Teach her to look at things differently. (Instead of being mad about traffic, enjoy people watching and be thankful these people are giving our town money.) We are really focusing on being tourists in our own town- experiencing all the things and doing lots of adventures. We basically live at the beach, which is perfect because she’s a fish. She’s recently been into cartwheels and doing the splits. Which is crazy because how can she do the splits?! And her cartwheels are so much better! Makes me happy to see her happy. Like maybe I’m doing something right in my life.

I don’t feel I’m doing much else right. Work is crazy. Had to decide to roll with the punches and move into a new position instead of trying to find new employment. It was a challenging situation because it felt very personal, even though I knew it wasn’t. Had to really fight the feelings of being a failure or that others would think I wasn’t good at my job. I really do care too much, about what people think. Well, let me rephrase that- what I THINK people think. I was once asked what proof I had that people were thinking what I thought they were thinking. That maybe I’m making it all up in my head. Maybe they were thinking something totally different and I made my situation worse by over thinking and being anxious. I think about that a lot now- don’t assume what people are thinking. Don’t assume people care that much about me to consume their thoughts! It has actually helped me be a little more confident in situations. Focus on me. Not them.

Relationship status has been downgraded again too. It needed to happen though- but it was hard. It was self preservation. I am ultimately proud of myself for standing up for myself. I knew how I wanted to be treated, and I wasn’t being treated that way. I knew I couldn’t settle again. So back to focusing on me and being happy. Living free. I have already had 3 people tell me I seemed more authentic and more fun. I see it- I’m not walking on eggshells. I don’t have someone that I need to worry about hurting. I think the shit part of this is- it was over something I can’t control. My baby daddy- he isn’t going anywhere. He’s here to stay as long as we have our daughter together. It brought out an anger that turned spiteful and personal to me. I would often think that you wouldn’t be supportive of me staying- so I was trying to find strength from you too. So thank you. Thank you for always being here for me still…

My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes happy and free, sometimes depressed and hopeless. Like hopeless in the fact that some situations I will always be in. Ugga. OK I’m disgusting myself now! I thought it would feel good to write you, but it is just breaking my heart more. I think I need to figure out how to grieve the life I thought I’d have, but don’t have. I need to learn to love myself and not always wonder why I’m not good enough. So I know what to do- just can’t do it. I’m going to keep trying though- for my daughter. I want her to be proud of me.

OK I’m going to end this positive with another promise to myself. A promise to try and be happy- that it’s OK to be happy. At work, I’m going to give it my all and do what I can to make a difference. Relationship, I’m going to heal and just be me. I’m going to try and be more present in my family and in my daughter’s life. I want to hear her and see her and not miss out on her great personality. She’s amazing… she really is! Alright, time for bed.

Cheers to living life for you.

With All The Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter

1.31.24

My Dearest Fassia,

I sit here tonight reflecting on tomorrow. 14 years since you died. Seems like yesterday in some ways. Seems like 14 years ago in others. I still cry a lot about you and just the situation as a whole. So many silly things that I wish could have been different. Of course, that is impossible, so crazy that I dwell on it so much. But, I feel if I move on from those things, then I move on from you kind of. Which, yes I know, you’d say do! I have and I am still working on moving on more. Each day is progress… but sometimes only because it is one more day since that awful day.

What gets me the most as of today. You didn’t meet your grand kiddos. And they are all amazing. Mine has your infectious laugh! I don’t feel I got to properly say goodbye. I don’t remember a lot of your funeral because of my pain medications. We didn’t get to go through your stuff. We didn’t get to spread your ashes. We don’t get to go visit your last house anymore. You aren’t here to give us advice, or tell us to get our heads out of our ass, or build us up, or laugh with us. Or tell us to not let the bastards get us down. Kesha made a song about that actually- I think about you all the time. I think she stole your phrase! It’s my pep talk song some mornings.

I hate that the further we get away, the less I can hear your voice and laugh. The less I can smell you (including your socks and pits that you always had to “show off”)! The less I know what you’d say to me.

I have found mini traditions to keep you alive in my heart and my spirit. And like I said before, my daughter has your laugh. and my wild spirit and adventurous soul… which partly comes from you.

One big thing I wish I could talk to you about is parenting. I feel like you and I are similar here… maybe. Like we’d have similar struggles and joys about being a parent. My MOST recent struggle… parent guilt… questioning thing (because I have them all the time) is regarding my daughter wanting to wrestle. YES I said wrestle. Who knew that would be an interest of hers. Of course, I wanted her to do it if she really wanted to. But, I also didn’t want to do it because it is three to four days a week and I know she would not handle that well. She gets overstimulated quite easily. I decided to be up front with her and just tell her all the details so she could make an informed decision. I even showed her videos. We went a couple days of her being adamant about wrestling. Yes she knows mostly boys do it. YES she knows she gets to wear a singlet (her favorite part- it’s like gymnastics leotards). Yes she would shower after every practice and meet. Yes she could do four days a week. Yes it would be OK to not do swim lessons. Yes it would be OK to eat healthier and work out. I was basically like, shit, we are doing this. I spent a night prepping myself to be a wrestling parent. I was a wrestling girlfriend so I knew what I was prepping for! The day before first practice, we talked about it and I showed her a singlet and head gear that she’d need. She looked at me with wide eyes. Then rolled her eyes. Then said… you never told me about head gear. I don’t want to do it. SIMPLE AS THAT! I joked and said I should have started with that! So now we are settled on not wrestling. I ask her questions to guarantee she is sure. She is. She does not want to wear head gear. I had a moment of triumph! THEN came the next level of guilt. Guilt that I had talked her out of it! Who am I to know that she wouldn’t be able to handle it, or that she wound’t be a beast doing it, or that she wouldn’t love it?! Fuck. First guilt that I was trying to talk her out of it, then guilt for talking her out of it! #winning. Or not. #momfail. On one level or another.

Tonight we are waiting for a report from a friend who went to first practice. To see if they are going to do it and see if we should try one more time to ask if she wants to do it.
I know there is always next year.

I thought about what I write to you and it is always sad or depressing or down on myself. I was going to try and do better. But maybe that’ll start tomorrow. I saw a sign on Jan 2 that said Jan wasn’t my month- I’ll try again in Feb! ha! Wellll… that is tomorrow. So maybe I try and be nicer to myself.

I’ll end this with saying that I miss you terribly. I can’t even write in the right words to describe the pain and hole I feel. I’ll also end this with something good about myself. Even with all the mom guilt- I know I am raising a good kid. She is kind and funny and smart and spirited and passionate and definitely makes this world a better place. I am proud of her and I know you would be too.

Goodnight. Until next time.

With All The Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter

1.15.24

My Dearest Fassia,

2024. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be. Most of the time I get down about that. But I am slowly working on that. Working on being proud of who I am and where I am. Proud of the mountains I’ve climbed and the growing I’ve done. Proud of the daughter I am raising to be strong and kind and brave and fierce. (You’d be so proud of her!)

That all sounds lovely, so what gets me down? The fact that I feel like a failure. (I’m really not- I know this deep down). This is where my mental health provider tells me I get in my head and make things up. In my head I have all these things that people are saying about me, or thinking about me. But I have no evidence of this being true. They are saying things about my two marriages, about me being a single mom, about me not being able to make things work for my child, about my weight, about the way I dress. Basically, all my insecurities are being spoke by others… in my head. Totally legit, right?!

What really gets me, I look at others and don’t judge them. I don’t see the things I think they all see in me. I know that there are more details to everyone’s story- hidden details. So why am I different?

I talked about needing to grieve the “life I thought I would have” or grieve “the dream life” I thought I’d have. Life I thought I’d have: Happily married for so long with a family- doing all the fun stuff, taking trips, making memories, and being solid… two people in a relationship making each better, helping them thrive and grow. I think I am ready to grieve that now. Grieve that and move on. I’m figuring out that the more I hang on, the more I am robbing myself of my time now. That’s my goal for 2024, be more forgiving to myself. Allow my thoughts to move on and not live in my head. I know I’ll continue to struggle, that’s just me. BUT, if I know it- maybe I can embrace it and work through it. Maybe.

OK… I need to go to bed. I won’t sleep for awhile. But I’ll try. Random thought- I think I’m going to read your journal again. It has been a couple years. Sometimes it is hard and I don’t like mentally and emotionally hard… makes me miss you. I’m hoping it’ll help me feel closer to you though. Maybe pick up a couple nuggets of wisdom.

Until later, don’t be a stranger!

With All The Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter

7.17.23

My Dearest Fassia,

I’m sitting here tonight wondering how I allowed myself to go so long without writing to you. I suppose the shortest answer is- I got lost. I lost myself. Which is weird to me- because it was during a time when I was trying hard to find myself. I was trying to stay true to who I wanted to be, and who I need to be for my daughter. So much has happened since my last post. But I do not need to tell you that, you already know. I think part of me was ashamed to write to you. But now I know that is silly because you already know everything. And I know, just like always… you’ll always be here to support and love and push.

Totally random story, I was just talking to a friend about what kind of kid I was growing up. She is married to a kid that was in high school with me- a year younger. They were laughing at me hanging out with good kids. So I reminded them of the boy I had a crush on (for what reason I have no idea…). One day sitting in your classroom, you looked at him and picked up a pencil. Straight in the eyes, you stared, and warned him that if he goes anywhere near me again- you were going to take that pencil and stab him in the neck! haha… MAYBE not an OK thing for a teacher… but I appreciate the dad in you coming out and protecting me. He was not an OK choice to hang around. Thanks for saving me on that one. Just one of the many times you pushed me to be better.

I thought about what I would write tonight. Just pick up where I left off, recap everything, skip ahead to now… I’m not sure. I feel I need to get some of it out- like it is heavy shit. But then part of me knows I need to look forward and not backward. So we are going to do a mixture. Might bring up some memories… but I am going to focus on where I am now.

Which is hard. Because most days I do not know. Sometimes I think I am killing it! I am confident, feeling good, feeling myself, in love with who I am, in love with my daughter, happy for what I can provide for her… Then some days. I am a hot mess. Not like the “cute” hot mess that some girls claim to be… but a real life, hot mess, person. I struggle with confidence, I struggle with loving myself, I struggle with thinking I am even an OK mom, I just struggle. I do not think I am good enough for anything or anyone. Jesus, sometimes I think maybe my daughter would be better off just with her dad. WHICH, really, we would all think is crazy. But when she is talking about her fun times with him and her and I cannot get along… it is a thought that comes. Maybe it is the real me, deep down, that keeps me from acting on that. Maybe it is me not wanting people to judge me, maybe it is other motives that I cannot even fathom right now…. who knows?

I am realizing I need to write more. Talk to you more. I am starting to overthink the things I have written already today. I want to reread it and make sure it sounds OK. Make sure it sounds intelligent. Make sure I am writing something that could be helpful. But I do not need to reread anything, nor am I going to. I need to remember that what comes out of my brain, through my fingertips, is in the moment real. That is what this was about to begin with. That is what I want it to continue to be about. And that is what I need to remember, to live my life the best possible way. Live in the moment. Live for the moment.

I always wonder if everybody is in their head as much as I am. Or if people have the same thoughts that I have… and we just do not talk about it because it is taboo or people will laugh. I recently met a new friend. She is amazing. We just clicked and felt comfortable. We have hung out a couple times and nothing is off limits. There is no judging and I love that. I need that. I hate feeling like someone is judging me…which is silly because if they are- let them! It does not matter in the grand scheme of things. I have just always been a people pleaser. I really wish that people would be more open. And less “fake” (like social media fake with the filters and a zillion takes to get the perfect video or picture). I am really trying with my daughter to not let her see that yet. I am trying to instill in her what I am missing… confidence no matter what. The ability to see beauty in everything and everyone. The self love when she looks in the mirror. She is somewhat bigger than most of her age group- height and build. I just tell her she is powerful. Her shorts don’t fit- must be her thighs are just too powerful! She wears a bigger size than someone- good! More of her to love and she gets the clothes first and not the hand me downs! I hope that I never stop looking at her with admiration and a drive to be more like her. When people question why I like being naive… it is hard to explain to them. But that is it. I want to live my life through her eyes. So here it is to end the night:

I have thick, powerful, thighs. I have a nice smile and teeth. I have lovely green eyes. People do not see my weight, they see my passion and humor and kindness. I am passionate and beautiful and I created, and am molding, an even more passionate and beautiful daughter.

I know it has been awhile. And I know I am not 100% put together right now. But thank you for instilling in me what you did. It is the base that I continue to stand back up on.

Do not be a stranger.

With all the Love that I Possess,

Your Daughter

11.30.21

My Dearest Fassia,

Here is where I am at in my life. 35 years old, but don’t feel like it- still feel like I should be younger! Mentally that is, not physically. My body is definitely showing age. My legs are not as flawless as they used to be. Cannot lose weight as easy. I might have some gray hair… but I don’t wait to dye it long enough to find out for sure! Ever since stopping birth control my skin is awful. Reminds me of you and your complaints of acne when you were an adult. Not something we should have to deal with! Stupid. I want to be skinny, but I can’t stop eating or drinking and I can’t motivate myself to wake up early and exercise. I have trouble falling asleep but then I cannot wake up in the morning.

I look at my daughter and think she is so old and mature and then remember she is only four. Her newest thing is taking a shower by herself but then I still have to check and make sure she washes every crack and crevasse and gets all the shampoo out… and doesn’t use ALL the shaving cream playing in one shower! She is struggling so bad with emotions and tantrums. Cries about everyday. Sometimes for the silliest things that we cannot understand. I do not know if she needs better nutrients or what. I know sleep is an issue, but I don’t know how to solve that. We use melatonin gummies. No caffeine. Healthier bedtime snacks. Sleepy time spray. Nighttime routine. Unfortunately, she is like me and has some insomnia. I just hope she outgrows it. Tonight it took Ryan almost two hours with her for her to fall asleep, and I know I will see her around 3 or 4 in the morning, in our bed, wanting to snuggle. Which I will do, because I will want her to fall back asleep so she gets all the rest she can. If I send her away, she will stay awake, and that will be bad for everybody.

My only saving grace is that when she is with anybody else, without us, she is an angel. A perfect angel. A beautiful human specimen that everybody loves and wants to be around. A little lover that people rave about. She is polite, kind, loving, funny, and cute AF. Sometimes I like leaving her because then I can watch videos of her through other people’s eyes. I can see pictures of her through other people’s eyes. I can hear about her through other people’s mouths. Maybe selfish of me, but it helps me keep things in check because at home, she is a monster. Mouthy, sassy, (sometimes hilarious but we don’t tell her that), heartbreaking…

Lately, she is my main thing that I can’t control. And we both know that I struggle when I am not in control. LORD! That is the problem- I am not in control! Why am I not in control of her?! Why does she need to challenge me so much? Pay back? people talk about that, but I didn’t think it was really real? I wouldn’t wish that upon her- from mom to daughter…

Speaking of moms. That is an issue too. I can’t even talk about it now really… I don’t know how to right now. Today, I broke a wine glass she made me in the garage, in a box. On purpose. To try and let some steam out. It helped a little. It felt good at least. Maybe I need more- like those crazy rooms where you can just break shit all over?! I know that she is hard, and has issues. I know that I have treated her like a child instead of the adult for many years. I know that last time we were with her she crossed a line that I didn’t expect- with my daughter. My mother, the grandma, the Buscia, could not control her emotions around her grandchild. THAT is big. THAT is a hill I didn’t think we would ever come to. For FOUR years we have never come close. My daughter is the one thing that has been our saving grace- our one thing that brings us down to even keel, down to talking, down to communicating on a regular basis, down to trying. Now… now that I see she isn’t capable of keeping her emotions in check in front of my daughter, WITH my daughter… now we have more of problem. NOW the mama bear that people talk about is coming out and I want to protect my daughter from more hurt, from more confusion, and from more weirdness. Now that I talk about this a lot, it seems not as significant… not as high profile. But you know what- seeing the hurt on my daughter’s face that day- the day it happened- that will live in my soul for forever.

Today, I shared your Memorial Scholarship on FB for Giving Tuesday. I hope it got something. You deserve to be remembered. You were amazing, heartfelt, sincere. I miss you. I wish you were here for advice, for a hug, for a laugh. I just wish you were here.

Until next time,

With All The Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter