10.5.21

My Dearest Fassia,

Hi Fassia. How are you doing? Seems like it has been a while since I’ve written, or seen a sign from you. I think about you often, talk about you often… but haven’t actually felt you around. That is probably just me being in my own head. Which has been awful lately. I get so set to prove stuff to myself, and to my husband… that I get crazy! I just have to prove that I can do everything and anything and don’t need anybody. Which is crazy because everybody needs somebody and some point or another. That is why we have family and friends and work on networking… because it really is all about who you know. That is why I could never really be president of the Unites States- I don’t know even people in politics- or that have money to support me! hehe… I guess my childhood dream won’t come true… I wanted to be the first woman president. I do think I could still do it- like the job itself. I’ve learned a lot in the past few years about leading. And I think the concepts I’ve learned myself, and from you, and from others, would serve our country well! Wish you were here because I think you’d actually help me try to achieve that… even if it was a big flop- you’d be there supporting.

Part of the reason I haven’t written in a long time is my computer is really dumb. Like super slow and I find it highly irritating that I have to wait so long for a simple webpage to load. I did work on it though so hopefully it gets faster and I can write more. Because I find it therapeutic. Not only talking to you- but typing in general. I find typing soothing. I used to play typing games for fun! Remember the sharks that would eat the diver if you didn’t type the words fast enough? Funny new age thing- I saw they have that idea of a game for texting… these young guns won’t know what typing is soon!

Our world is progressing so fast. Technology is booming and you can easily fall behind if you aren’t in the business or trying to keep up. I find myself behind now… they need classes for older people, monthly, just to keep up on new terms, and saying, and apps, and music! Luckily, my brother and sister still keep me up to date on music occasionally. I like when they send me stuff… makes me feel special. Which is weird and they probably don’t even know what it means to me… like that old, ridiculous, out of touch sister that they still remember!

So much is going on in my life and in the world in general. I always wish you were here to calm this place down. I think you’d be great for the kids, and adults, to bring some peace and tranquility to the atmosphere. I feel like everybody, even myself, is more on edge than they should be. This is no way to live our one life. Or one life that we know of! Heck- maybe you are back somewhere living it up as a golf pro or something!

I have a new position at the hospital- it is a higher leadership position and I am using it to try and advance the power of kindness. I am trying to remember that everybody brings something to the table, and there are two sides to every story, and being mean and harsh and talking behind backs is not going to solve anything. I do have people I vent to- I think that is necessary too- but I do try to be the change I want to see when I am in meetings and talking to random people. I want to be a resource of facts for people… especially since people seem to like to talk to me and seem to like to confide in me. If they have some reason to trust me- then I should respect that and give them honesty and kindness. Not just merely my opinion- by using evidence-based guidance to help them to a decision.

Speaking of kindness… I want nothing more than my daughter to be looked at as kind. So every morning before school I kiss her, hug her, and tell her to be kind and to be brave. She knows I am serious because after I pick her up at school, I ask her one thing she did to be brave or be kind. Yesterday she told me she asked a girl that was sitting by herself to play with her. I LOVED THAT! I think that if Kamala doesn’t do it, and I don’t do it… my daughter could be the first woman president. She is going to make friends of all kinds, be liked by all kids and teachers, and then coworkers. She has a special spirit. Maybe that is YOU coming through? She does have a laugh that reminds me of you- that powerful make everybody look and see what is so funny kind of laugh. Sometimes I tickly her in public just to make her laugh so others around us will smile. I want her to make others happy and make their lives better. I know already she has made me a better person and her daddy. He would do anything for her and I see him striving to be better everyday.

Well this is getting really long. And the fog is rolling in heavy tonight as I sit on the porch and type. And bath time is almost over and after he does bath, I do PJs and hair. I am committing to writing more because it makes me feel better. Thank you for listening. Thank you for the vision you instilled in me. Thank you for my good qualities and for being the person that I never want to let down. I love you.

Until next time.

With All the Love that I Possess,
Your Daughter

5.3.21

My Dearest Fassia,

My how the world has turned in this past year. First of all, the son you thought would wake up under a blanket on one of our couches one day- became a daddy! I’d say he is nailing it thus far. He says he is anxious- but his actions around her say otherwise. Although, I’m not certain he has changed a dirty (dirty) diaper yet! He holds her, takes pics of her, helps with her and I am absolutely in love watching it. It is making me so proud. I think you’d be proud too! I didn’t know much about your relationship… mostly what I read in your journal to us. So I know this is challenging for him but he is doing great! About the same age you started stepping up! :)

I just wrote the speech for your next scholarship recipient. I can’t believe it has been this long… It makes me sad that these kids don’t know you anymore. But I am glad they can hear about you for a short time at least. Makes my heart happy.

We are still living in pandemic life. It is getting better though- vaccines are out. But it is still strange working from home, wearing a mask, guarding my child from strangers- even more than just the normal strange person with the candy and the van.

I feel like this was a good dabble back into talking with you more. I have so much to tell you, but not sure I’m there tonight. I need so much advice from you! So I guess this is fair warning. And a reminder to me that there are great things happening in life right now and I am the only one in charge of my feelings. Ugh you’re magic.

I love you. Miss you.

With All The Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter

11.29.20

My Dearest Fassia,

Welcome to the pandemic special! It has been a while since I’ve written. I’ve let the pandemic get me down. It is crazy- every day I just wonder what you’d say about it all. On top of the COVID stuff we had a crazy election year too. I cannot believe the split between people. Fighting about politics, race, religion, sex, and anything else they can think of really. It is a scary world to raise a child in. Politics plays into the pandemic with masking and shut downs and people have just so much to say about it! Unfortunately, it has also hit our family. One of our family members has a strong opinion about politics and it spread to their ideas about masking and they were not very nice about it. They got drug down to the weeds. I wish you were around to help set it all straight.

In some good news- I finished my masters! THAT was kind of a long road. But good. I think it is important to show my daughter that you can accomplish hard things. It was a strain though- a strain on myself and my marriage. Having to spend so much time working on homework every night and less time on family was not good. Needed but not good. It was hard on me to have to make that decision- but I also knew I needed to make it now before my daughter was older.

Finishing that was kind of anticlimactic… can’t celebrate because of COVID-19, it doesn’t do anything for me in my current position, and no-one really knows! ha. I bought myself a graduation cap so when my diploma comes I can celebrate a little! Although nothing now- I believe having that will help me in the future. A good resume “padder” as you would say!

Now that school is done, I have been able to focus more on my marriage and my daughter. We’ve been playing games and having concerts in the living room and reading more books. Bedtimes are no longer hurried so I can go finish homework. It is lovely.

Now back to the pandemic- because that is all people can talk about- so why not join in?! I feel that I could be doing more… my job keeps me at home right now- which is fine- but I don’t think I am being utilized to my utmost potential. BUT I am trying to remain positive and do the best I can do in my job. Give it all I got… maybe something will come up that will make me feel more useful. I also struggle thinking my job is not that essential- it is important- but I think sometimes it is not necessary right now and I feel foolish doing what I’m doing- when people are out there with blood, sweat, and tears trying to make it through each day. Maybe I should be grateful that is not me and I am able to stay safe for my family and be a support for my friends… but that is not me! I am not a run and hide type of person- I want to be out there making a difference and helping out.

So instead of dwelling on it (too much) I am really focusing on being a strong support person for my husband, daughter, family and friends. I get down a lot, but I try real hard to come back out of it quickly.

My intentions are to write you more often. I miss talking to you and singing with you and laughing with you. I can’t believe it has been so long. I realized the other day that I think the last time I saw you and you were with it- was when you had your “exciting” appointment where they said the cancer was gone. Then it was in the hospital before my accident, and then at the end… I had mixed emotions with that.

Anyhoo. Anything you’d like to send my way to help with the positivity would be great. I didn’t even get into my marriage yet- we will save that for another day. Not anything terrible, but definitely challenging!

Until next time.

With All The Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter

6.8.20

My Dearest Fassia,

What a wild and crazy ride the past few weeks have been. The world is in such unrest. I feel like the world is acting out my mind… so much crazy that doesn’t even make sense! There is the COVID-19 Pandemic and now all the racial inequality protests. I actually think that some of them have been useful and amazing. But some were harmful to the communities and environment… that does nothing but cause more problems. I mean- it got people’s attention- just in the wrong way. There are so many opinions around and to have.

All the world unrest leaves a lot of room for mental instability! I wish you were around to talk to, to talk me down. Down from what, I’m not sure… maybe just back to feeling somewhat normal. Or OK. Or calm.

I think beyond myself, I struggle with relationships more. Right now with my husband. Not that anything specific happened… that makes it harder. It is just me wondering. Am I broken? Are we broken? Is this normal and I just want to live in a surreal fairytale? That could be- I have always had grandiose thoughts and ideas and life visions. What if I’m missing my best life wanting something that will never be? That isn’t even possible? Dang this mind keeps going and going.

I find myself being overly picky. Letting the small things get to me. Yesterday I was laughing so hard I was crying- at silly videos. That is what I do… always have. Some things just tickle me. He said I laugh at dumb things. “Who laughs at that?” I thought that was so rude and hurtful. It’s been eating at me for over 24 hours. But maybe instead of being pissed, I should just feel bad for him that he can’t enjoy little things like I can? Maybe I should just brush it off as differences in people? I know one thing- I hope my daughter gets my sense of humor and not his. I hope she laughs until she cries at silly videos and dad jokes.

I know this answer is not right around the corner. Or maybe it is?! Could Be… Who knows? Ahhh.. A little West Side Story.

For now I am going to focus on being me and focus on ensuring my little girl lets her light shine no matter what. I want to squash her bad thoughts and help her little gypsy soul flourish. I look forward to watching funny things and laughing with her. I look forward to joke duals. OOOH! She told a joke the other day- I was so proud! Just a little sarcastic comment against the dog- but it made me legit laugh out loud! Proud mommy moment. You would have enjoyed that one too!

Right now- my mind is a bastard and my husband (sometimes)… and I am not going to let the Bastards get me down!

With All the Love That I Possess,

Your Daughter

4.1.20

My Dearest Fassia,

What a crazy April’s Fool’s Day. I usually hate this day and have major anxiety about it- mostly because I am truly blonde and gullible. I hate not knowing if people are telling me the truth or not. I just want to trust people! BUT… today- there were not a lot of jokes. Why? Because our world is legit in a pandemic like we have not seen in many years. There is this virus called Coranavirus (COVID-19) that is sweeping countries around the world and taking people by storm. It is devastating. And what is worse in my eyes- people are making it political. UGH… seriously? People are dying and we are fighting between parties and blaming people for not making the right decisions.

Anyway… we are all quarantined home, there are no leave orders… no hanging out, no gatherings larger than 10 people, no going out unless necessary. I am feeling extremely lucky that I am still working. One, because many people are not. Two, because I think I would go crazy staying at home all the time. I know I’d still have work at home to do- and homework- and projects.. but many that is not me. I am a go outer- a hang outer. And- my husband and I would probably fight a lot. And my daughter and I need space too- too much alike! We do great when we have our space!

These times we are in are getting everybody crazy. People are feeling restless, and helpless. I am watching loved ones struggle with no work, loved ones struggling with dangerous work, loved ones struggling with health concerns… I wish I had you to talk to. I would love to hear what your thoughts are. I feel like I cannot stop watching and listening and reading the news, but I also do not want to hear anymore. It is the same thing everyday- but I feel I need to know the stats. Maybe if I am informed and educated I can help or be safe? Maybe.

It is weird, I find myself in this weird internal struggle. I want to hide, become intrinsic, be secluded, not eat, not talk, not laugh, not sing, just be lazy. BUT then, my nurturer comes out- I want to check on people, be social, make people laugh, have conversations, sing loud, dance with my daughter, and make people feel better. I do not know what is really me. Is the loud, singing, laughing me a façade? Or is it just the stronger side of me that keeps me from falling into a dark place?

One more thing before I go for the night. Since I’m on a strange path… I have been feeling quite numb. But I do not have many people to talk to about it. That is my fault, I have not been open to many people about this feeling. It is something I have dealt with my whole life. It is really deep and dark. It is why I go to counseling and take meds… to try and deal with it. To try and be “normal” and healthy for my daughter. Sometimes, I do not feel much. Not a lot of love, not a lot of sadness, not a lot of anything. In my last marriage I wondered if it was me, or the situation. I decided on the situation… now- I fear it is me. Oops. SO- I am trying so very hard to see all the good in every day at home. How much my husband does for me, how much he does for our daughter, how much she loves him. How he makes her laugh, how (when he isn’t trying so hard) he is funny. How he knows what to say to her when I don’t. How he gets along with her all the time. How much she needs him and he needs her. Goodness gracious- life sucks sometimes.

Alright- that is enough whining and complaining and wondering. I am off to “nuggle” my little girl before bed and then play some meaningless games on my phone to help my mind calm down for sleep.

Gin-Ting.

With All the Love that I Possess,

Your Daughter

1.31.20

My Dearest Fassia,

I can’t believe tomorrow is 10 years since you died. Tonight is always hard because I know when I go to sleep, I wake up without you. Just your body laying there in bed. Tiny, sunken, gray, weird, cold… When I woke up, I had missed it. You died. Without me. Probably what you wanted… but I hated it. I wanted to hold your hand. Instead, I had to wheel my wheelchair to your bed side and then climb up with you and lay with your lifeless body. I think they had to pull me away from you. I could have laid their forever. I hated the thought of telling my siblings. I was scared how they would react. I didn’t want them to feel any pain… I knew they would… but I wanted to protect them. I always want to protect them. Always have. Always will. This is such a raw moment in my heart and mind. As horrible as it was, I want to relive it.

As I sit here next to my daughter, I feel sad that she never got to meet you. She will never truly know Grandpa Fassia. Goodness Gracious you would have been an amazing Grandpa. I also feel happy that I have her to keep me distracted. And keep me focused on being successful in life and trying to be happy and a better person. Everything I do now, I do for her. I want her to grow up and be like you. Funny, caring, loving, supportive.

I don’t have much to say tonight. At least nothing nice or happy or uplifting. Just know Dad… I miss you. Every day. More than I can express. It messes with me.

Thank you for giving me what I have. Thank you for the time we had. I love you. I want to be like you. I want you to be proud.

With all the Love that I Possess,

Your Daughter

11.16.19

My Dearest Fassia,

Funny how life goes by so fast sometimes. It has been awhile since I’ve written… between being super busy and feeling down I just haven’t motivated myself to get to this outlet. Which is crazy because it is super easy! I’m sitting here, early in the morning, with my daughter on the couch… Also with me is an elephant on my chest. Why? I don’t know. It seems to have become a more frequent visitor. Sometimes, I try to imagine what color it is (I always hope for purple) but it is always clear… and heavy.

The past few months have been unusually hard for me. Between work and school and life, it got to me. I was extra cranky at home and I was very short fused. I knew it wasn’t really me or healthy. So I talked to my provider. Hardest conversation I’ve had in quite a while. But she is so good. She listened, gave me some advice, told me it was normal and OK, and then gave me a med to try. I’m not hot on taking meds, but I was as far at the bottom as I wanted to be… I can’t be a hot mess mama for my daughter! I’m also a leader in my organization and I have to be a good role model and always have a good, clear, head on my shoulders.

Taking meds is not a new thing for me. I took them about 10 years ago too, after a couple HUGE events in my life that were disastrous. Back then I never found the perfect concoction… they took away the super lows… but also took away the super highs. I hated that. Nothing worse than not being able to enjoy life! So after some time, I stopped them. And just dealt with the lows and highs internally. (Not my best decision I’m sure) This time around, when I was talking to my provider, I made sure to tell her that- I didn’t want to lose the highs… I didn’t want to be numb. It was so hard being honest and up front with her- but it was for the best- so I did it. (Amazing what having a child will help you do) We picked a med, together, and I started a regimen to make me feel better. I started it a few weeks ago and I’m starting to feel it…. so far so good! I still have the highs and not so low lows.

Even talking about this to you right now is hard. One, because you never were a big med person and two, because who likes to admit that they aren’t perfect?! But I want to break down some stigmas and be me. The best me I can be. The best me helps my husband be his best self, and my daughter be her best self. I want to make a difference in this world… a good difference. I want to leave a mark and have people remember me for making a change. One of my favorite quotes that you introduced me to is “Be the Change You Want to See in the World” (Mahatma Gandhi). I believe that there is more to his actual quote but it has been simplified to this (better marketing!) The long version and short version both help you center yourself to see that changes start with you.

As always, thank you for listening to me. Thank you for never judging me. Thank you for giving me a good base to build my life off of. Thank you for giving me your sense of humor. Thank you for always being present when we need you. Just thank you.

Here is to working hard to make life good when sometimes it isn’t. Here is to working hard to make other’s lives better around me. Here is to raising a strong daughter that will continue to enlighten this world with her smile and joy and smarts.

With all the love that I possess,

Your Daughter

9.25.19

My Dearest Fassia,

Hi! It has been awhile since I wrote to you… Falling into bad habits again! Actually, it just seems that life gets in the way a lot. So much has happened since I last wrote.

First, we got Ilsa Maria back! Crazy weird story and just solidifies that sometimes life is a huge circle. On the same day I adopted her, 8 years later, a random woman calls me saying she has my cat. After a long night of texts and calls, I learned: she really had my cat, some people are terrible because they lie and how they treat animals, and I was getting reunited with an old love! Ilsa came back to us about 1.5 weeks ago- she is tiny! Looks more like a 6 month old kitten instead of an 8 year old cat. She’s doing good though- adjusting to a loving home just nicely! My other cat and dog are doing fine too… it is great. I love it- she is so adoring.

Second, I started my MSN program. This is week 1. So far so good- just taking it in stride. I know that school is tough- and I know that it takes a lot to get through. A lot of work, a lot of organization, and a lot of support. I’m trying to start off strong- strong in school and strong at home still. I want to prove to my husband that I can do it all. (Maybe I can’t- but I want to try). It is funny to me- I never thought a Masters was something I’d want… My only goal used to be just get my Bachelor’s Degree… I went to school for 5 years and graduated with an Associate’s Degree… not cool! (My loan count didn’t think so either!) I completed my Bachelor’s no problem… (it sucked- but I got good grades). Then after being at work for another 2 years and seeing where my organization is headed- I decided a Masters was the smart choice. And I want to do it before my daughter is older and I want to be a part of her life more by going to things and driving her places. Right now she can sit next to me and “nuggle” or “braid” my hair while I work on this. I hope one day she can look back and be proud of me and use me as a role model to do great things herself!

Third, my youngest step-daughter decided to stay with us every other week. Last time we tried this was a couple years ago and it was miserable. For all of us. She would throw tantrums and just be awful. But in all honesty, I probably wasn’t much better. I didn’t throw external tantrums, but I was internally for sure. That is something I struggle with so much. Being the big person, the adult. I didn’t know what I was signing up for by being a step-parent and the wife of a parent to kids that weren’t mine. I had my rosey colored “funglasses” on and thought it was going to be puppies, sunshine, coffee, and daisies. It’s not. At all. It is fighting, disagreeing, being second or third place, being questioned, feeling down, feeling worthless, and ultimately challenging. Goodness, like I’ve said before it takes me back to being the step-daughter- maybe I was crappy too. I was a kid- they are kids. I am trying so hard to remember that. They need me to be a role-model for them- just as I want to be for my blood daughter. So I’m trying. I focus my energy when I need to- I smile- I ask questions- I involve her. Still a struggle- but I’m getting there. I’m hoping writing to you will help… I’m hoping talking about my weaknesses will force me to work on them. Open myself up, be vulnerable. Ugh.

That brings me to this. My life lately has really just been chaos. Maybe not my life. But my inside. My feelings. My core. My soul. I’ve always had a huge internal debate going on. An internal struggle to be happy and feel wanted and needed and worthy. I work hard at that. Sometimes it is way easier than others. Some days are really good. Sometimes I look at my life and I’m so grateful and amazed. Sometimes I look at my life and just feel empty. I finally took the leap of faith and talked to someone about that. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever said outloud. HOW can I look at my beautiful, strong, gypsy queen of a daughter and feel empty? HOW can I look at my family and friends and pets and feel empty? HOW can I look at the house I have, vehicles, other fun stuff and feel empty? Don’t know. Just do. When I talked- she simply said- sometimes that stuff doesn’t matter- yes you have all that- but your chemicals are mixed up. Sometimes people just struggle. And golly gee- I know that! I say it all the time. I work in healthcare. I KNOW THAT! But I couldn’t see it in myself. Typical nurse! We are the worst patients.

So- with all of that… what do you think? Would you tell me I’m crazy? Would you tell me I’m doing too much? Would you say this is life and I’m just doing it my way? Would you tell me to put some music on and sing at the top of my lungs? Would you tell me to hold and hug my daughter tightly? Would you tell me to cry it out and move on? I DO KNOW that you’d tell me to “Not Let The Bastards Get You Down.” In my life- Bastards are people and Bastards are emotions and anxiety. I listen to the Kesha song and hear your voice. Thank you for the best advice ever. I miss you.

With all the love that I possess,

Your Daughter

9.11.19

My Dearest Fassia,

What an emotional day! September 11- so much heartbreak and love. This is a day I can get wrapped up in- so today I stayed away. Stayed away from pictures and stories and memories. I feel for the families and friends of 9.11 so much.

Why? I have no idea. I don’t know what it’s like to be involved in an incident like that. But I just have so much emotion for things. So much empathy.

Sometimes that’s a curse and sometimes a blessing. It is a curse when I can’t overcome my own emotion. That’s when it bites me in the butt. It happens frequently. I get caught up in ridiculous things and feelings.

One thing I’m super struggling with is being a step-mom. We’ve talked about this before. But it is still hard. I can’t win. I try to be the grown up but I can’t. I have this block in my mind that I can’t cross. I wish I could break it. It isn’t the kid’s fault. Although sometimes a stinker. She is still just a kid. I should be the role model. And right now, sometimes, I’m sucking at that.

I keep telling myself tomorrow will be a better day. But it isn’t. But it also isn’t worse! I had a picture in my head of what being a step-mom was going to be. Super fun- best friends- laughing- hanging out- etc… it’s not that. It is quiet car rides, unanswered questions, awkward dinners and wonder.

I’m hoping one day for a break through. Maybe one day I can stop being my own worst enemy. Maybe.

If you have any signs you can send me… that would be great! Looking for a miracle?!

Until then…

With all the love that I possess,

Your Daughter

9.3.19

My Dearest Fassia,

I’m sitting here tonight feeling fairly good about life. We had a good family camping trip and got a lot of quality time in with the three of us. My hubby and I have been really working on our communication… that’s hard because we suck at it. Well him more than me. But I can’t place all the blame- he isn’t here to defend himself! Haha.

My job is pretty much sucking hard core right now. I think that is leading to some stress in my life. And I’ve gained weight and can’t lose it. And a couple other things.

I think sometimes I try to not grow up and be like certain people that I go too far in the other direction. Like I don’t want to randomly go crazy and leave my family. So I try and make sure I get me time and do stuff for me. But maybe too much. Who knows. Life is about balance and I always seem off balanced!

But- tonight I found peace and love in my daughter. She’s been making me extra happy lately and cracks me up. She’s so smart and puts things together like crazy. The stuff coming out of her mouth lately is hilarious. She’s extremely independent and very particular on what she wants and how she wants it. It’s so frustrating sometimes- but ultimately I love it and appreciate it.

So my goal over the next couple of weeks is to focus on her and remembering her innocence and naivety. Take solace in her. She’s my Zen!

With all the love that I possess,

Your Daughter

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