8.27.19

My Dearest Fassia,

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I was just looking at all my stuff for starting my Master’s Program. Crazy! It is going to be a lot- but it will be worth it in the end. Hopefully :)

And on top of that- work is crazy right now! I feel like it is either feast or famine and right now we are definitely feasting. I’m struggling with time management because there is so much to do! I am just trying to remember that I have this and things will be fine! I just need to be the boss lady that I know I am! I am continuing to work on my relentless optimism… but that is challenging too! Sometimes it is just so easy to be negative.

And on top of that too- my husband and I are in a disagreement right now. I get so frustrated, and now I’m not sure if I am in the right or wrong. I wish you were here to talk to about it. Basically, I want to go on a trip with my best friend in a couple weekends, but he doesn’t want me to go. He says that I am gone all the time, always leaving him with the kid(s). But I don’t believe that to be true! I am home a lot. In the past year, a lot of nights I was gone it was because I was working at my second job trying to make us more play money! He also finally admitted that sometimes he feels he can’t go out because I make more money than him and he doesn’t want to spend it. I think that is sweet, but absurd! He does so much around the house and with our vehicles to make up for whatever money he might make less than me. I don’t care about money in that aspect- we both work hard- we share bills, house payment, vehicle payments, etc. So therefore, we should share the benefits!

He is just terrible at communicating and talking. He doesn’t like to, or can’t always admit what his real issue is.

Or- maybe I am in the wrong. Maybe I am silly to be thinking that I can go away for a weekend without him or my daughter? Maybe I am gone too far or long or often? I need a third party who is not biased to help me out!

We are the worst fighters. We always have low blows. BUT I kind of find that refreshing. At least we can be honest with it and bounce back. I like the rawness and honesty- instead of hiding in fear and not saying anything you are feeling.

I’m sure everything will work out how it is supposed to. Just hard going through it sometimes. And I fear, because we got together so quickly, that people will judge if they know we have issues. So I don’t really talk about it as much as I should or could.

I know that we will continue to keep working on knowing each other better- and knowing what we need out of each other and finding balances. It just sucks while you are in the thick of it!

One thing we for sure agree on is how much we love our daughter! She is such a shining light in our lives. She is so “mart” (smart) and hilarious. Her personality is the best. She keeps me motivated to be a better person and work extremely hard on my relationships. I want to show her how to be awesome and successful in this life! #momgoal

With all the love that I possess,

Your Daughter

8.20.19

My Dearest Fassia,

Let’s talk about emotions. I feel like I can talk on this for forever and be well versed about it- why? Because I have tons of emotions myself! Emotions all the time!

Tonight was especially emotional. I think your granddaughter got my emotions- and sometimes my lack of ability to express them! #funnynotfunny

Tonight consisted of a couple meltdowns of varying degrees. First my 2.5 year old started, then when I couldn’t figure out what was going on, and hers got worse, mine started! My husband looked over and said- “what in the world are you crying for too???” Whoops! I didn’t know why I was crying- but that was OK because I couldn’t answer him even if I did know! I just know that I was struggle bussing hard. I felt helpless that I couldn’t make my daughter feel better. I couldn’t understand what she needed. And at that moment in time, I couldn’t fix it for her. Maybe that is OK- there are going to be a lot of things in this life that I can’t fix for her- OOOH! Is that why we go through this crap?

Her tantrum lasted a good 30 minutes. Shoe throwing, snot flowing, drooling, yelling, gasping for breath and just when you thought it was calming down- I’d say the wrong thing again!

Although we ended the night with no dinner (she didn’t want to eat, but she didn’t want us to take it away, and she didn’t want to get washed up)- we did end with a bath, combed hair, PJs on, and a somewhat smile. I thank my husband for that. He remained calm and we remained united. He didn’t tell me I was silly AND he was the one that put up with cranky bath time!

I hope that next time I can do better with her. I want to teach her how to appropriately deal with her emotions. That is going to be hard though, because I don’t always do great dealing. Usually I have to back track in my life and reassess what I could have do better.

Sometimes I look back at my life and wonder what happened that I can’t always deal appropriately. But we actually had a fairly good life. Up until a certain time- we were a happy family! I’m not a counselor (which is good because you weren’t really a fan)… so I’m not going to sit here and try to figure it out. I just don’t want my daughter to struggle like I do. I want her to be strong and fierce and amazing. She already encompasses those things… so here is to honing them for the good!

Alrighty, I’m pretty tired after working my 2 jobs yesterday and then the emotion train tonight. I’m going to go to bed, refresh and be a beast boss tomorrow at work and then an amazing mom after work.
Thank you for being my new shoulder to cry on and ear for listening. You’re so good at it! haha… dark joke. Love you.

With all the love that I possess,

Your Daughter

8.15.19

My Dearest Fassia,

Today was a rough day- emotionally. But a good day too. I had such an honest conversation with my sister and it was so refreshing. I love that I can say anything to that girl and it doesn’t phase her. OR she is feeling the same. And sometimes “worse” than me. That part was good. The bad part was later in the day when I got into a confrontation at work. Not really a confrontation- it was one sided. It was a provider- which made it even worse because you expect the best out of them. But I guess we all have bad days. After the confrontation I cried. Nice huh. Professional huh. Well nobody but a friend new I cried- because I was doing the dishes at work. It was my turn. haha… funny how life continues no matter what. Literally no matter what.

So this confrontation- it all got resolved with a couple of apologies both ways I was writing an email at the same time that person texted. So all is good.

The conversation with my sister still sits a little heavy in my heart. One because I can’t be there for her- physically- we live too far apart. Two because it is heavy stuff we discussed. It should be discussed more- but it isn’t. Or maybe it is in secret worlds that not everybody is privy to. Main point of the discussion- how hard it is being a new mom or a mom in general.

There is so much that you can’t prepare for being a new mom. How are you going to handle it? How are you going to feel when you are with your child or away from your child. It isn’t my place to discuss my sister. BUT I am going to tell you a bit about myself.

I had my daughter… I loved being pregnant. Like loved it loved it. Loved the feelings and pains and growth and attention and amazement and reason for being fat! Then I ended up having a C-section when I wasn’t really expecting it. That was hard. I know it isn’t anything less- but I didn’t get to experience labor at all. And I feel like I missed out on something special. I’m sure that those who have been through it would say I am lucky- but I still feel sad. Then my baby was kept in the nursery for a few hours after birth due to low oxygen. And I didn’t fight to see her… I just accepted what they told me. I feel guilty about that. Then I got post partum depression and went back to work early- couldn’t last the full 12 weeks at home. That made me feel guilty too. THEN when people told me taking my daughter to daycare and leaving her would be the hardest thing I’ve ever done… I lied when it wasn’t. Goodness gracious- leaving her there was so satisfying. I felt OK knowing I was going to work- and she was learning social skills. But even though I felt at peace- I still lied- because I felt pressured that society was expecting something different out of me.

They were expecting me to feel sad and miss my child. I didn’t. I still don’t. Don’t get me wrong- I think about her sometimes. But I know she is having fun, in good hands, and hanging out with her friends. And I know my mental health is better when I get my alone time. Telling people that I don’t mind daycare still gets me weird looks. But I am trying to own it more. I shouldn’t care so much about what people think… but that is what society leads you to. Caring.

So now that my daughter is 2 and a half. I’m finally starting to figure out how to express my feelings appropriately. It is OK that I want to work. And OK that my daughter goes to daycare. And OK that I’m OK being away from her. I think we are better together when we have time apart.

That still devastates a part of me… but here I am expressing myself to the world. Well potentially the world… it is a start. Counts for something! Until next time.

With all the love that I possess,

Your Daughter

8.13.19

My Dearest Fassia,

One thing I never got to talk to you about was how to be a step-parent. You got that opportunity- and I didn’t appreciate it at the time. Nor did I appreciate your new wife’s responsibilities. Damn. I found a perfect article tonight about being a step-mom. Pretty much = it is hard. It sucks. Sometimes I doubt myself as a good human being with being a mom. BUT ALL THE TIME I doubt myself as a good human being with being a step-mom. #1- you don’t know what you are signing up for. #2- you always question if you made the right choice. #3- you constantly give all of yourself for pretty much nothing in return. #4- you feel like you are constantly fighting with your spouse’s ex on absolutely ridiculous things. There is obviously a reason they are an ex- but for some reason it sticks with you that they have something special together- kids!

I suppose sometimes I am way more cranky than I need to be. I always try to check myself. But I struggle. I can’t. This evening we had my step-kids over for dinner. Rather- they came over because we had money for the older one and that was the only way Dad was giving it to her. She barely said 10 words all night. She gathered her leftover belongings from our house- and didn’t say thank you. Lady- I worked TWO jobs to make sure we could help you and give you money. And no thanks. Maybe I expect too much.

The way you and mom raised us makes me who I am today. I wonder if it was so different from everybody else. We did chores. We said thank you. We had fun. We played games. We got punished. We loved. We had rules. Pretty fair looking back. So when kids come into your life with a different raising… it is sooooo hard! Was that what it was like for you? I know I didn’t get along great with my step-mom. But I tried to remember that at the beginning to create a better relationship- but it blew up in my face. Hardcore. I try not to place blame though- I know I have a lot of shortcomings when it comes to this role I play in my life. I just hope that one day it will get better. One day they will understand, or try to understand, where I come from and who I am.

Now that I have my own daughter- I get where their mom is coming from more. BUT I still think I’d handle things differently. I get the protection and love no matter what. But I also want her to be loved by everybody and whomever. I want her to have friends and good role models- no matter who they may be. If they are good for her soul and maturity and life- then heck yes let them in. If they can offer her something to better herself- yes OK. If they help her be a contributor and not a diminisher- hell yes. I know damn well that I cannot give my daughter everything she needs. But I can help be a channel to those things. I don’t have to be an obstacle in the way.

So as I hit here and try to refocus my energy- I wish, as always, that I could have done better. I could have been the grown up. I could have been the role model and tried. I didn’t do awful this time- much better than I have in the past. But I didn’t do awesome.

I signed up for this- I may not have know what I was signing up for- but I still did it. And I’m not going to give up- or let it ruin my life – or my relationship with my husband. I’m going to let it help me grow.

So here is to being a better person next time. Here is to remembering they are kids and impressionable. Here is to remembering that my daughter is looking up to me always. Here is to messy life and not being perfect. Here is to you and the things you did that I didn’t even know. Thank you from me and my siblings and my step-siblings. Cheers to the credit you deserved back then and didn’t get.

I love you.

With all the love that I possess,

Your Daughter

8.8.19

My Dearest Fassia,

I am nearing the end of another “This Is Us.” I don’t really know why I watch it. It makes me cry pretty much every show. I feel like it hits so close to home… why put myself through that? I don’t know. Children that lost their father, messed up marriages, drinking problems, fighting, love, friends, weight issues, etc. It all hits. This show is the perfect mix of pain and fairytale. And I think that is what I have searched for in my life, that perfect mix.

As long as I can remember, my emotions have been so extreme. I feel immense pain and immense joy. I’ve tried meds… but I don’t really like it. Yeah it takes the pain away- but it also takes the joy away. That isn’t for me. At least right now.

I was trying to think about what I wanted to write in this blog and how deep I wanted to get. But right now I want to be deep. That is what I want and what I need. I need to type/talk. I don’t really know who will read this- if anybody. Maybe my sister. But that is OK. I trust her and love her! Maybe if someone does find this- they can use it to help them not feel so alone.

Not that I really feel alone. Well sometimes. Maybe that’s normal. But people don’t really talk about their feelings in depth. So who really knows? Not me!

I don’t know exactly how it works, but thank you for teaching me about myself still. Thank you for instilling in me, the strength to be myself. Sometimes it doesn’t happen right away. But I usually end up where I need to be. So here is to more struggles through life (because it happens) with my shining star leading the way.

With all the love that I possess,

Your Daughter

8.7.19

My Dearest Fassia,

I can’t believe I’ve waited so long to write to you. I used to write a lot to you. But then life happens. And then I feel bad. BUT I know you’d say “silly girl, it’s OK.” Maybe that is why I like writing to you so much- you can’t talk back anymore! (Dark sense of humor coming out). Even though you aren’t here, I do always still listen for your thoughts and opinions and suggestions. Maybe this will help me see clarity in what I’m looking for from you- and what I miss from you. Your thoughts on things!

As I start to write to you- I think this is strange. In my head- I’m so clever and funny. And now I’m writing and my self doubt kicks in- I’m dry and awkward. So Daddy-o… thanks in advance for listening to me and helping me through this!

Sometimes I find myself in this silly cycle of thinking my guilt I have for EVERYTHING is just the old Catholic in me. But then I laugh because I’m really just blaming it on something, like a Catholic would do too! Sick cycle. So now I’m just trying to own it. I’m a guilty type of person. For anything. I just have all the feels! Oh we will explore that more I’m sure. Yup, that is what I need. Someone to talk to who MIGHT understand me. Because I am my Father’s Daughter :)

I’ve opened the door enough tonight. Stretched my boundaries. more later!

With all the love that I possess,

Your daughter

My First Blog Post

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

My Dearest Fassia,

I’ve decided to start writing more. I don’t really have another outlet. I remember in high school you helped me start my own little newsletter. That was so fun. You were always so supportive and encouraging. Thank you.

I’m excited to get some thoughts and feelings down on “paper”. New school ways. I wonder what you’d think of the world today. So electronic!

Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates. And thank you!

With all the love that I possess,

Your daughter